Top 10 Things Girls Think Are Cute, But Aren’t

bradwellen@precioustimeny.com

Our fine, hilarious friends over at The Ultimate Hatelist are in the business of, well… hate.  Their views and opinions are in no way dangerous or even too controversial to share (trust me, once you visit The Ultimate Hatelist, you will find that you agree with the overwhelming majority of their hang-ups).  So, to usher in what promises to be a prosperously comedic partnership with the good folks from the hatelist, The Campus Socialite is happy to share with you their “Top 10 Things Girls Think Are Cute, But Aren’t.”  

10. Anything Miniaturized

In order to cram all of the things a girl’s cuteness radar is wrong about, it was imperative to keep the itemized list titles somewhat broad in nature. Anything Miniature encompasses a great deal of not cute things that women go crazy for. It’s hard to imagine what girls think is so cute about a baby. They shit everywhere, cost a lot of money, and make really shitty drinking partners. Sounds awesome. Of course, the downside of a vague category is the inevitable exception or two. The two areas this rule does not apply to are cocks and jewelry.

9. Short Hair

There are any number of devastating, sex-preventing bombs a women can drop on your average unsuspecting male. Expressions like, “I’m on my period,” “I can’t leave my friends,” “I don’t do that,” and “‘Mad About You’ is on” are just a few of them. But the worst thing she can say to you is, “I’m cutting my hair short.” It’s a toss up between that and “It’s your baby.” Either way they both leave you with that feeling deep in your stomach. You know, the one where you briefly consider killing her. Anyways, I don’t know why the homosexuals on those fashion shows have been telling her short hair is in right now, or is going to be in. Bullshit, short hair is never in. There is nothing cute about sexual ambiguity. The last thing I want is the girl I’m banging to have the same haircut as Matt Damon in “Rounders.”

8. The 1980’s

Girls will look for any excuse to dress up in 80’s attire they consider cute. Something about shoulder pads, spandex, and neon colors just gets them in such a craze. Plus, there are leg warmers and arms warmers and all other sorts of warmers. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back, though, is without a doubt the crunchy hair. None of this stuff is cute, but girls seem to think it is. It might have something to do with overweight girls thinking they’ll being able to hide it by wearing loose-fitting sweatshirts with the collars cut.

7. Big Sunglasses

It’s not so much that the big sunglasses aren’t sexy as much as it is girls using it as a crutch to aide their mediocre looks, like a toupee for their face. They’ve got to know that at some point, the glasses are going to have to come off to expose their true form. And they inevitably do.

6. Adding Extra Letters to Things/Abbreviating/Spelling Things Differently/Text Faces

Heyyyyyyyy, Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Happy Birthdayyyyyyy, Obvi, OMG, Kewl, . These are just a few of the literary weapons women have in their arsenal to try to appear cute. Well, Sorryyyyyyy, not cute.

5. Dancing on the Bar

I’m not going to stand here and pretend to tell you that I don’t enjoy watching sexy girls dance. As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure that’s the reason I cut holes in my pockets. But after 30 minutes of desperately trying to get my penis the opportunity to tickle some meat curtains with unanimous rejections, I am going to need a drink. And it’s impossible for me to get said drink with some gross skank stomping around the bar like Peewee Herman thinking she works in “Coyote Ugly.” Are you going to jump off that bar and grind on me? Are you going to stumble out of this bar and make out with me on that bench over there? Are you going to go down into the subway with me and wait 30 minutes for the train to come because I’m too cheep to pay for a cab? No? Then stop shaking your shit in my face, I find it both very distracting and very not cute. Note: If the girl is dancing like Pee-wee Herman while the song “Tequila” is playing, you grab that girl that girl off the bar and marry her as soon as possible. Those girls only come around once in a lifetime.

For the full list of “Top 10 Things Girls Think Are Cute, But Aren’t” as well as all your hater needs visit The Ultimate Hatelist.

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Tags: 1980s, Big Sunglasses, Cute, Dancing on the Bar, Girls, Miniaturized, Short Hair, Texting, The Ultimate Hatelist