The Ultimate Hatelist: Whatever the Hell is Going On in the Middle East

Courtesy of Miggity of The Ultimate Hatelist

I don’t hate the Middle East as much as I’m just tired of hearing about it. Okay, that’s a lie. I hate it as I hate hell all Montagues and thee. But I really am tired of hearing about it. Why are these guys so mad? Your life doesn’t seem so bad. If my scholastic knowledge serves me right, you probably have a pet monkey, a slamming hot bottom bitch named Jasmine with a pet tiger, a flying carpet and your own comical genie.

I mean, lighten up. Abuse some prescription pills, grab a bud light and watch some football or something. Maybe take off some of those clothes, you’re in the desert, r-tard. Get a tank top and lawn chair and bask in the tropical sun and privilege of being able to legally beat the shit out of women. Now maybe it’s because I don’t fully understand your culture, maybe it’s because every country there is pretty much the exact same place to me, but blowing up building just seems like a little more work than it’s worth. Plus, if you keep blowing up all these cafes where are you supposed to get your iced caramel macchiatos from? I would think those would really hit the spot in the desert.

Also, this whole virgin afterlife thing? C’mon, bro. What are you stupid? Have you ever had sex with a virgin? It’s terrible. They just whine the whole time, tell you to go slower and have no idea what they’re doing. Most of them are going to cry afterward and probably make you watch Glee. You can’t even really go at it unless you’re as small as I am….wait, is that what this is all about? You complain that American society is a bunch of hedonists and infidels, like we even know what that means, but your heaven is something right out of late night Cinemax. Yea, what now? Thanks for hookahs and hummus, now go blow a Xanax and type up all the things that you hate a put them onto a blog that no one will read. Maybe you should reevaluate your lifestyle and think about moving to a place with a natural water source. While you’re at it, why don’t you also consider just how annoying 50 virgins nagging you to turn on One Tree Hill can be.

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