There’s a reason why we all can’t drink on the job…and if any of you figure out that reason let me know! We drink almost everywhere – at home, at bars, on planes, in limos, in hotels, secretly in the back of movie theaters, and even from flasks in lecture halls. So why not allow this entertaining pastime at work? Here’s a list of ten reasons why every company should encourage the consumption of alcohol while on the job.
1. It’s an extra incentive to show up.
Who would pass up the opportunity to get wasted and get paid while doing it? People will be dying to come to work – in fact, it will be the best part of everyone’s day. Employers could look forward to perfect attendance records across the board.
2. It reduces complaints about low pay.
Who cares if you don’t have any extra money to go out and have a little fun? You’re having fun five days a week getting trashed at work! Plus, you’ll probably feel like shit every weekend and never want to the leave the house anyway.
3. Drunk bosses are more likely to give out raises.
We all tend to get a little more generous with our money after a few drinks. Employees, encourage your supervisors to do a few shots with you to start off the day. Perhaps it will end with a hefty bonus or that raise you’ve been seeking for the past three years.
4. It makes co-workers look better.
And subsequently, leads to more “employee relations.” Not only has your job become the best place to get your drink on, now it’s the local hotspot for hookups. Craigslist sex listings will become obsolete.
5. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
Drunk munchies at 1 PM are a real treat! Everything tastes better when you’re trashed, and companies could start serving cheaper, lower quality food and no one would know the difference. But, who would really care about eating lunch anyway? Food will just sober you up.
6. It creates a stress free environment.
Have you ever grabbed a drink at the local bar to cool down after a long day at work? Well look no further. You can bring that bar right to your desk. Instead of gathering around the water cooler to relax and talk about the day’s gossip, you’ll be flocking to strategically placed kegs.
7. Any mistakes you make will be quickly forgotten.
Botched a form and lost your company $100, 000? Don’t sweat it. Get your boss blackout before you deliver the news and he’ll forget all about it.
8. It helps save the environment by encouraging the use of public transportation.
Drinking and driving is not very professional or safe. Getting arrested for a DUI is a huge buzzkill. Plus you’ll be too tired from a long day of drinking to feel like driving yourself home anyway.
9. It leads to honesty.
Employees and employers alike will be much more likely to say what’s on their minds. Employee feedback forms and employee evaluations will reach an unprecedented level of validity. Alcohol tends to loosen the tongue (as well as other parts of the body – refer to #4).
10. It eliminates the need for vacation days.
People won’t take time off because they would rather come to work. Need a break from the monotony of the day? Do a kegstand near reception or organize a game of flip cup in the conference room. Companies will no longer have to waste money on paid vacation days and could allocate more funds to company parties.