Bid night is rapidly approaching for the new pledges of TCS. The frat house is filthy and we could really use some new guys to keep the pitchers full and the daily entertainment up. We announced the first four bids earlier this week, and now are bringing you the next four in our Ultimate Pledge Class.
The Playboy- David Duchovny
Pledge Name- Mulder
Any guy that goes to sex rehab is cool in my book. If you have seen Californicaton you know the type of roles Duchovny plays, well that’s actually his real life just with different names. He parties like a rockstar and will for sure run through all the sorority girls. His old flame Tea Leoni is a piece but you know Duchovny is getting some serious tush, like music video chicks tush. With Duchovny pulling tail like this he brings the overall hotness of hookups way up their for our fraternity, even with the chubby sluggers that the rest of his pledge class might bring home at night.
The Legacy- Ben Stiller
Pledge Name- Speedman
As far as legacys go we just grabbed the best available. Usually these pledges are different from the rest, whether they are really annoying or really cool they usually end up getting hazed pretty hard but are always on the good side of the brothers. The TCS pledge class of ’79 included Jerry Stiller, social chair as well as record holder of a remarkable 13-game beer pong win streak. When Ben came out for rush we knew we had to give him a bid, but we didn’t realize how awesome this guys really is. Blue steel, going full retard, and trying to milk a cat don’t even hold a candle to this guy in the frat house. He’s always down for the gym, has a slamming wife, and has it in his blood to be the big guy on campus.
The Smart Kid- Sacha Baron Cohen
Pledge Name- Trifecta
You might as well call him a genius. Cohen has convinced the world not once, not twice, but three times that he is a ridiculous character and has brought us all humor beyond belief. Ali G, Borat, and Bruno all very different personalities never fail to amaze or outdo each other. We know he’s a sick bastard so he should have no problem getting through the pledge program. We’re excited to see what type of theme parties Cohen can come up with considering he has the basics down: dress up in ridiculous costumes and make other people look like idiots. With the premiere of his new movie Bruno starting tonight, we managed to give Cohen a bid before he hit the red carpet. This guy will provide much needed comic relief to his pledge class and will be able to work his way out of any sticky situation he might get into.
The Pledge Class President- Bill Clinton
Pledge Name- Lewinsky
Sure Obama would have been the easy choice here, but our country needs all the help it can get right now. Taking the head in command away from our people to do keg stands and clean the fraternity house just didn’t seem right. Welcome back Bill Clinton, a great leader who is for sure qualified to lead a pledge class through intense hazing in order to become a brother. We all know Clinton will be the shady pimp of his pledge class I mean come on, this guy caught a hummer in the oval office. He loves cigars, loves women in blue dresses, and can play the saxophone…this is a no brainer, our mixers just got taken to a new level.
Stay tuned for the final four bids….