We’ve all seen bad movies. In fact, most of what the film industry churns out this day and age is just pure trash. Some movies are so seriously terrible that they turn into comedies. Others are just plain horrible. Then there are movies that are so bad that they make you question the intelligence of the human race. This list is comprised of awful films that fall into all three categories, in no particular order. Prepare yourself!
1. Battlefield Earth
I remember when Battlefield Earth first came out. My father, an avid science-fiction fan, forbade me from seeing it. At the time I wondered why; it seemed like a movie right up his alley. Years later, when I finally saw it, I understood why. As a child I wouldn’t have realized that the movie is basically a Scientologist’s wet dream. It’s an adaptation of an L. Ron Hubbard story (the founder of Scientology) starring a prominent Scientologist (John Travolta). That aside, it definitely falls under the “so bad you question humanity” category.
2. Stealth
I knew this movie was going to be awful from the very first preview, but for some stupid reason I wasted $10 on it anyway. I think I was bored with my friends. The movie was advertised as a story about a vehicular artificial intelligence (a “smart plane”) that goes haywire, and it’s Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel’s job to hunt it down and disable it. There are a couple of problems though: 1. Jamie Foxx, the power actor of the film, dies 40 minutes in and 2. The movie’s plot completely changes half-way though, when the two remaining pilots defeat the rogue robotic jet and Josh Lucas (who?) has to rescue Jessica Biel from North Korea. Wait…what? This movie is just plain bad.
3. A Sound Of Thunder
There is so much to say about this failure of a film. Rumor has it that flooding in Prague (where the production was filmed) and financial difficulties delayed the movie’s release, and resulted in the fantastically horrible special effects. The plot (based on a short story of the same name by Ray Bradbury) revolves around a company called “Time Safari,” where tourists go back in time to kill dinosaurs, but have to be careful not to do anything that could irreparably change the time-space continuum. Guess what happens? In the end, Ed Burns and Sir Ben Kingsley have to fight off terribly animated dinosaur/mammal hybrids and giant killer ants. This movie is so, so bad that watching it could be a laughable experience. Sit down with some friends and see how retarded it truly is.
4. Twilight
Of all of the movies on this list, this is the only one that is actually popular. Why? I’m still not sure. I guess tween girls just have a boner for Edward and Jacob. But the truth is that there’s literally no plot to any of these movies. I can say that because I’ve seen the first two, and they made me want to hang myself. Here’s the basic story: Weird girl with a deep voice (played by the terrible actress Kristen Stewart) falls in love with a vampire, then gets attacked for no reason, and in the end is saved by said vampire. The plot of New Moon isn’t much different: the same girl has a love affair with a werewolf and then saves the vampire from killing himself. Who’s the antagonist? I don’t know. What’s the major plot device that keeps the story moving? There is none. Twilight is an hour and a half of the inner workings of a high school relationship, but with some fangs and fur.
5. The Wicker Man
Nicholas Cage stars in this remake of the classic 1972 film. The plot: A police officer searches for his child on a strange island that consists mainly of women. These women are all part of a cult, and Nick Cage is part of their yearly ritual for a good harvest. The highlights: Cage beating up ladies of various sizes (once in a bear costume), and then getting covered in bees. The movie is absolutely horrible, but if you’re looking for a good laugh, I suggest you watch it.
6. The World Is Not Enough
With the exception of GoldenEye, every Pierce Brosnan Bond film was a dud. This one takes the cake though. I’m still not sure of its plot, but I’m fairly sure it has to do with some senseless (pun intended) Russian guy who wants to destroy the world. Surprise! Denise Richards is the worst actress ever: Probably because she’s attempting to play a nuclear physicist named Christmas Jones (Christmas? Seriously?), an occupation she knows nothing about. The movie consists of two hours of Brosnan making MySpace “kissy” faces and blinking while he fires a gun. Avoid at all possible costs.
7. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Whoever had the bright idea of turning the beloved American action figure into a live action movie should be shot and killed. I’m actually ashamed of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who I consider a good actor, starring as Cobra Commander in this box office bomb. The highly improbable and unrealistic plot revolves around a creepy terrorist organization with no real motivation for world destruction fighting a secret branch of the U.S. military that is comprised of Channing Tatum, Dennis Quaid, one of the Wayans brothers, and a ninja. Take my word and save an hour and a half of your life.
8. The Last Airbender
I don’t understand how this movie didn’t completely kill what was left of M. Night Shyamalan’s career. The film is based off of a cartoon named Avatar: The Last Airbender. Basically, a bald kid who can’t act is the Jesus for a world that consists of only four nations: one for each element (fire, water, wind, earth). The kid from Slumdog Millionaire and Aasif Mandvi from The Daily Show are the villains, the leaders of the Fire Nation, in this movie. They can’t act either. Each minute is excruciatingly longer than the one before it, and in the end I couldn’t help but wonder how Shyamalan thought the film was ready for audiences. I really hope that they never finish the series.
9. Baby Geniuses
Some of you out there may remember this movie. It’s about a bunch of babies who are geniuses…duh. They can communicate with each other, but not with adults. At a certain point, they start speaking English and lose their infinite knowledge of the universe. As far as stars go…well, there are a bunch of random babies, and then there’s Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd as two evil doctors who are trying to crack the baby language and find an escaped superbaby. If you happen to be five years old, I’m sure you’ll like this movie. Definitely a suicide-inducing piece of cinema magic.
10. Demolition Man
Once in a while a terrible movie comes along that is also a great satirical work of art. This is the category that Demolition Man falls under. While the acting and plot are subpar, the comedic image of a not-too-distant future rings true. Every restaurant has been replaced by Taco Bell, Arnold Schwarzenegger is a politician, the poverty-stricken have been swept under the rug, a seeming Utopia is actually a Fascist state, and people wipe their asses with sea shells. Even better is that the film pits John Spartan (Sly Stallone!) against Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes with a blonde high-fade). Sandra Bullock and Dennis Leary support the main characters with over-the-top personalities that make me want to vomit. It’s watchable, if not laughable as well.
11. Bubba Ho-Tep
Ever seen Evil Dead or Army of Darkness? If you answered yes, then you know who Bruce Campbell is and you are aware of his style of acting: Over-the-top serious and campy, which in some weird way makes him hilarious. Well, in Bubba Ho-Tep, Campbell plays an aging Elvis impersonator who’s convinced that he’s the real King. Assisted by an old black man who claims to be John F. Kennedy, he fights off a redneck mummy in a nursing home. Can’t make that stuff up. The concept makes me laugh more than the lines in the movie do, though.
12. Batman & Robin
If you wondered why the Batman movie franchise started over again, well then look no further: it’s because of this movie. George Clooney replaced Val Kilmer, who in turn had replaced Michael Keaton, as Bruce Wayne/Batman. Arnold Schwarzenegger was Mr. Freeze! What the stuff was that? The wonderfully dark Batman cartoons I always watched told me Dr. Victor Fries (yes, that’s how his real name is spelled) was tall and creepy with these little black sunglasses.Bad acting, even worse special effects, and a general unappealing wackiness make this a seriously hard movie to watch. Plus the fact that Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) makes my eyes bleed.
13. Moulin Rouge
This is one of those terrible, god-awful movies that you want to resist watching more than anything in the world…but when you run into it on TV, it’s almost impossible to look away. I can’t be sure, but I think it’s the trippiness that does it. Something about it is encapsulating, even though I hate almost everything about it: The whole “modern music in the 19th century” thing puts me off more than anything else really. I still don’t get the story in the movie, but maybe it’s because I’ve been distracted by quick moving dance sequences and unusual set and costume design. Ewan McGregor is a poet who falls for Nicole Kidman, a high-class hooker, and the guy who plays Professor Slughorn in Harry Potter is her dancing pimp.
14. The Core
To be honest, my gripe with this movie might just be personal. The one time I’ve seen it, I was sitting in the very front row of the movie theater. But besides me having to look straight up, I just didn’t like The Core’s science. Now, I don’t claim to be a scientist or anything, but the movie just generally felt like someone wrote it without even checking to see whether anything in it was actually plausible. So yeah, I guess the Earth’s core could stop rotating, frickin up the electromagnetic field, exposing us to the sun’s deadly radiation, but then they build a metal snake made of unobtainium (wait a minute…unobtainium? The same crap that all of the characters in Avatar were freaking out about?) that used an array of lasers to bore straight to the Earth’s core, where they could promptly plant explosives to jump start the core’s rotation, narrowly avoid getting caught in the nuclear blast, and then escape back to the surface so that Aaron Eckhart and Hilary Swank could live happily ever after. That an awfully tall order of suspension of disbelief.
15. The Lake House
What is up in this film? Sandra Bullock lives in this house in one year, and Keanu Reeves lives in the house two years in the past. Through some form of black magic, they’re able to communicate to each other through snail mail. Weird things happen, yada yada yada, Keanu Reeves dies, then Sandra Bullock writes him a letter to try and save him, then he pulls up to the lake house and they fall in love forever. That sounds realistic. This was huge step into the weird zone for both Speed stars, and is one movie that shouldn’t be too hard to avoid for the rest of your life.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. Have a movie that you think belongs on this list? Comment below, we want to hear your awful movies!
