I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but 2011 had the most sequels of any year, ever. By the end of this year, we will have seen 27 movies that are just extensions of earlier movies. We all know that most sequels are bad (except for The Empire Strikes Back), but maybe the times have changed. Maybe sequels are getting better! Well, judging by this list, probably not, but lets take a look at all the sequels that came out this year. Get ready to watch tons of trailers and reflect on whether or not buying the tickets to a lot of these pieces of crap were worth it.
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Even if you make a movie where monkeys are killing people and civilization is collapsing…it’s hard to stop giggling at the fact that they throw poop when they’re in the Zoo. Seriously though, it was pretty action packed and definitely entertaining to watch.
The Hangover Part II
Okay, a lot of people were hating on it because they literally did the same thing as the first movie. Well…it was still funny, so fuck off.
Cars was actually one of my guilty pleasures, but Cars 2… it really didn’t need to be made.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
You know, I was actually looking forward to this movie before I realized it was going to be a piece of shit.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules
All this deserves is a really big “c’mon Son!”
Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol
I want to see this movie for two reasons: the Dark Knight Rises – Prologue is being shown before it, and because Simon Pegg is fucking hilarious.
Happy Feet 2
Really? Dancing Penguins? A SECOND TIME?!
Sherlock Holmes: The Book of Shadows
I’m actually excited for this one. I’m hoping this goes the way of The Dark Knight and it just takes the awesomeness of the first movie and makes it even better.
Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil
If you haven’t seen the original Hoodwinked, then this movie is probably horrible. They made the sequel more kid friendly and directed to a wider audience… but it still wasn’t able to do very well at all.
Johnny English Reborn
I don’t know what it is about Rowan Atkinson, but he can make me laugh even if I’m sitting through one of the worst movies ever. I don’t even know if this is good or not because I was too busy staring at his funny faces. Oh, and thinking about Rowan Atkinson’s hot daughter.
Kung Fu Panda 2
I still don’t understand why they made a sequel to this. I also don’t know why they bothered having all the extra celebrity talent, considering Jackie Chan still only has one line, despite being a major character.
Holy shit, really? Well…those are some nice tits anyway.
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked
It’s at this time in this sequels list that I’m pouring myself tequila to numb the pain.
You think they would have learned their lesson after Scream 3, but no…they had to make one that dealt with the whole “making a video and putting it on the internet” thing. Good job, guys.
Madea’s Big Happy Family
Is Tyler Perry ever going to stop? PLEASE STOP.
Paranormal Activity 3
Besides the fact that the trailer is horribly misleading considering almost none of that happens in the movie, I actually thought it was pretty scary. Also, the last ten minutes were awesome.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon
Why can’t Michael Bay just make a sequel to Armageddon? Is that too much to ask? I’ll even let him put Shia in it if he promises to make it.
Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son
I think I liked Martin Lawrence better when he was running through traffic holding a gun. Or Black Knight, that movie was hilarious.
Spy Kids: All the Time in the World
The only good thing to come out of the Spy Kids series is the fact that Machete wouldn’t have been made without it (if you haven’t realized yet, Danny Trejo’s character in every Spy Kids movie is Uncle Machete). Also, Jessica Alba and Ricky Gervais are awesome, but not awesome enough to save this movie.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn
The only reason I’m happy about this sequel is because it’s finally getting closer to being over and forgotten. Although…that Bruno Mars song has been stuck in my head.
If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I’m going to give you a little trick: open up a few tabs in your browser that have pictures of nice cars, and pictures of Vin Diesel and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Then just switch back and forth between the tabs really fast. Flash Jordana Brewster once or twice and…there, you’ve seen the movie.
Final Destination 5
Do people actually like these movies, or do they just keep going to see how ridiculous they can get? Also, how can you name Final Destination 4, The Final Destination, and then come back and be like “LOL JK GUYS FINAL DESTINATION 5 NOW!”
Puss in Boots
Technically it’s Shrek 5, but how long is Dreamworks going to keep making movies about talking animals who make pop-culture references? Also, Donkey should’ve gotten his own movie before Puss in Boots. We have to keep Eddie Murphy relevant.
X-Men: First Class
Finally a good movie! The X-Men needed this kind of reboot to make us forget about the shitty sequels that have been made since the first one. This movie was bad-ass, and starred some of my favorite recent actors. Good job, guys, good job.
Winnie The Pooh
Okay, so I don’t know if it’s the music they used in the trailer, or the fact that I grew up watching Winnie the Pooh, but if you want to take a nostalgia trip back to your childhood, you need to watch this movie.
Between the Flight of the Conchords’-esque songs, and the return of the greatest felt puppets in the entire world, The Muppets was a hilarious and amazing movie. Between breaking the fourth wall, and getting R-Rated comedy writers to write this movie, this might actually be my favorite sequel of the year.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Now, the Harry Potter books were probably the first books I ever read, so the fact that the last movie has come out is just extremely depressing. It was epic, it was awesome, and it closed the story for good. What else could you ask for in a sequel? If only most of the sequels before this knew how to END A STORY.