The NFL has implemented a new set of rules in an attempt to make a victory in Overtime take more than just a coin flip, as well as to make these extra plays more enjoyable for fans and fair for the players. This new set of rules will become enforced during the 2011 Playoffs.
In the past, if a team won the coin toss, they would, without question, select to receive the ball first, considering even a lowly field goal would win the game. Yet now, with the addition of the new rules, one must really think hard about wanting to receive the ball first, for a field goal will not necessarily win you the game. Fans are praying for a game to go into overtime so they can see how these new rules play out. However, there are a number of other new rules that are being enacted this post-season that aren’t widely discussed. Here are a few of those rules.
1. The All-Madden Rule
Let’s say the game goes into Overtime. It happens. But let’s say that, once in Overtime, neither team is able to score. The game can’t end in a tie, so another overtime must be played. However, a new rule dictates that instead of a second overtime being played on the grid iron, it will be played on Xbox 360. In the case of a Double Overtime, the starting quarterbacks of both teams must play a game of Madden to decide the winner. They are not allowed any help from coaches, players, or roommates who have successfully completed all of the Madden Moments at home. This new rule has prompted teams to reconsider how they coach their young quarterbacks. Jim Caldwell, coach of the Indianapolis Colts, has alerted the media that because of this new rule change, he will most likely start second year Quarterback Curtis Painter in place of future hall of fame Quarterback Peyton Manning, just to be safe. Caldwell noted that while Peyton Manning was busy studying game tapes and practicing, Painter was at home with his bros playing Madden against twelve year olds online.
“Curtis can make all the throws,” Caldwell said. “It’s amazing to watch him work. I remember watching him after practice one day; he managed to complete fourteen straight passes—all perfectly designed curl flats. I’ve never seen Peyton Manning do anything like that. Peyton can’t even run a HB toss, and they do that for you. We’re thinking about cutting him in the off-season.”
2. The Brady Rule
Football fans have noted that two plays in Tom Brady’s history have shaped the fundamental rules of the game. During a game in Oakland in 2001, Brady was sacked and then fumbled the ball. Somehow though, he was credited with an incomplete pass. The Patriots then won the game on a field goal—thus establishing the tuck rule. Then, in 2008, Brady was hit in the leg, taking him out for the season. You are now no longer allowed to hit a Quarterback below a certain point in his leg.
Now, a new rule has been established after Tom Brady tweeted about how much he doesn’t like to be hit while playing football or while walking around with his wife. The Brady Rule states that if you sack Tom Brady in the end zone you will not be rewarded with a safety or a sack, but rather with a fifteen yard penalty for “being a huge dick head.” You will also receive a billion, trillion dollar fine. When asked about the new controversial rule, Brady stated that he thought it was about time the NFL started listening to his cries. “Why should I have to be hit? Sure, this is football, but come on. You don’t have to be such a dick head about it.”
3. The Ben Rule
Ben Roethlisberger, Quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, has been heavily criticized this year. After being accused of his second rape in three seasons, Ben was suspended for the first four games of the year. After coming back from his suspension, he led his team to the number 2 seed in the playoffs, showing people that a big, fat, baby-looking mother fudgeer can rape a girl and go to the playoffs in the same year. The NFL has rewarded Ben’s composure and created the Ben Rule. The Ben Rule states that if a player on the defense is brutally raped by Ben Roethlisberger, it will be a fifteen yard holding penalty against the defense. Joe Hayden, Corner Back of the Cleveland Browns, was raped by Roethlisberger in their week three match-up. The refs did not throw a flag and Hayden blatantly got away with being raped by Ben Roethlisberger. “It could have changed the course of the game,” said Troy Polamalu. “It really wouldn’t have been fair. Thank God the Browns suck ass.”
4. The Seattle Rule
The Seattle Seahawks have somehow crept into the playoffs with a 7-9 record, the first losing playoff record in the history of the modern NFL. The team (consisting of washed-up balding quarterbacks, no name jobbers, and Lofa Tatupu) is extremely excited to be in the big show. However, new rules have been created that are discouraging, to say the least. If a team playing the Seattle Seahawks is caught losing to them, be it in Overtime or not, that entire team, as well as that entire team’s fan base, must kill themselves immediately. Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the NFL, stated that the rule was harsh but fair, and that any team guilty of losing to the Seahawks did not deserve to live.
5. The Ray-Ray-Rule
Everyone loves Ray Lewis (except for that guy he killed). He’s a great player. He’s an excellent leader. And boy, is he one hell of a dancer. Players throughout the league have commented on Ray’s dancing by saying that when they see it, they “automatically have the worst boner of their life” and that they “allow Ray to tackle them just so they can feel his warmth against their body.” Well, these players have been rewarded with the new Ray-Ray-Rule. The Ray-Ray-Rule states that Ray Lewis must dance at all times. If he stops dancing, an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty will be called against the Ravens and he will be thrown in jail for murdering someone. While Ray is dancing, the Baltimore Ravens are allowed to have more than 11 men on the field, in fact, they are allowed to have as many men, women and children on the field as they see fit. Everyone wants to party with Ray. Referees around the league have expressed discomfort with this rule, stating that it “makes the game of football unplayable.” Roger Goodell, in a letter addressed to the officials, said, “Don’t be gay.”
