College is all about annual events. Football Homecoming, Fountain Day at Albany, Little 500 at Indiana University. But no day holds the same national attention as the day that Madden drops. Maybe 4/20. Anyway, Madden 2012 became available for purchase last night (this morning for non-college students) at 12:00. Like every year, they added a whole bunch of new features, the graphics are better, and everyone’s more than satisfied. Regardless, I have some suggestions for EA, all of which they should take under consideration ASAP. These features may not be Football in the truest sense, but they will make your Madden experience that much more magical. Check em out Socialites. Patent pending.
Interactive Touch-Down Dance
Excessive celebration might be taboo in the NFL these days (Terell Owens could give you all the details on that one) but that doesn’t mean the Madden gamer shouldn’t be able to get creative with one of the most “celebrated” aspects of the sport. Here’s my idea: for those who have motion sensor devices for their Playstations and/or XBoxes, a screen will come up after a Touchdown is scored that implores players to “Show off their moves.” Players will be able to control the scorer’s dance moves with their own bodies. AI Refs will be able to determine if your celebration is excessive. but if your dance moves are particularly awesome, the returning team automatically starts from the 1 Yard Line. Dancers can upload videos to Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube, and try to one up their friends. At the very least, you could use some physical activity.
Trash Talk Function
I don’t know about you, but i’m always wondering what the Cornerback is screaming in the Receiver’s ear while he’s trying to go Post for a pass. Trash talk is part of every sport, except for maybe Baseball where you get on and ask the First Baseman how his wife, kids, and 401K are doing. Madden should come with a trash talk microphone which allows you to control the tone of the on field conservation. Depending on your skills, you can get the opposite team so angry that they will start playing stupid, or charm them into laying down. Tell Mark Sanchez that Tom Brady looked better on the GQ cover. Tell Chad Ochocinco that you heard him and TO used to make-out in the locker room before games. Just don’t mention Peyton Manning’s legacy to Eli. That’s just crossing the line.
No, I don’t mean Mark Sanchez throwing passes in a thong. Sorry ladies. I mean the actual Lingerie Football League (LFL), created in 2009 and featuring underwear clad babes playing 7 on 7 Football. The league isn’t big enough yet to have it’s own Football Video Game, so my suggestion is that the NFL and the LFL join forces. Gotta figure they have most of the same fans anyway. If a player wins a Superbowl on Expert, the LFL feature would be unlocked. Players will be able to control the lovely ladies as they tackle, hair-pull, mount and wrestle each other to ground. Does that get your imagination going? Not to mention the previously mentioned “Interactive Touch-Down Dance” which will be that much more interesting. This is 2011 people. Let em play (minus clothes).
Drinking Game Over-Lay
Video Games are about competition. Especially the sports ones. Madden skills are something fought about in every circle of friends on colleges all over the country. The Alpha Madden Player is a celebrity on campus, a modern day monarch. Is he the best drinker though, the other determining factor in college dominion? It’s time to find out. Players would select their level of drinking (Novice, Expert, Boss) depending on how big of drinkers they are and how far in the future their afternoon class is. Madden would automatically overlay a drinking game onto your Football game, directly informing you who is supposed to drink and when. Novice would be just after Touchdowns, Expert could add Fumbles, Interceptions and Field Goals, and Boss will just be after every First Down.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good game of Madden like your girlfriend. She sits there looking sad, complains, asks you how many quarters are in one game. We love you Madden, but there’s consistent sex to be maintained. That’s why the Girlfriend Distractor is a must add for Madden 13. It doesn’t take much. All you need is a little “picture in picture” in the bottom right hand corner. It could show cute kittens playing, babies laughing, or re-runs of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians.” You can sit and play your game in peace, while your girl sits quietly in a cuteness, pop-culture coma. Just don’t get distracted yourself, no matter how adorable the kittens get.