I know the title is deceiving, but I’m not talking about fictional celebrities; I’m talking about fictional internships for real celebrities. Ever since Charlie Sheen’s Social Media Intern search went viral, college students have been scrambling to find ways to work for other infamous celebrities. Not all stars need to manage their social media presence, but I’m sure they could all use some free labor, and as a college student I much rather be fetch coffee for an eccentric celebrity than some greedy corporate shark. So here are 5 celebrity internships that should exist and what those positions would entail.
Tyson is mostly remembered for his numerous boxing championships, but recently became culturally relevant again when he made a cameo appearance (face tattoo and all) in the hit movie The Hangover. Since then, he has come out and declared his love for pigeons (can’t make that up), and now has his own reality TV show on Animal Planet about that strange and random obsession. As Mike Tyson‘s intern, you’d be required to clean the pigeon cages, rub lotion on his face tattoo, and duck an occasional right hook – no one said this was an easy job. Perks include the ability to chill with a tiger, plenty of laughable situations (as long as you don’t laugh to Mike’s face), and having a world heavyweight champion boxer on your side in case you get into a fight.
Cage used to be fairly crazy until Charlie Sheen came along and blew him out of the water. Now, while Sheen is flooding social media networks with his own brand of brilliant insanity, Nick is flooding movie box offices everywhere with B movies and half-hearted acting. No offense to the actor – he’s done some of my favorite movies (can anyone say The Rock?), but it’s all been downhill since The Wicker Man. So what would Cage need from an intern? He just wants someone to re-affirm his fame and acting abilities: Recite lines from Ghost Rider and Drive Angry, approve of his roles in movies regardless of whether they’re good or not, and make sure he knows that the long hair/receding hairline combo works well for him.
Tosh is a comedian with staying power. His show Tosh.0 on Comedy Central is a massive success (second only to South Park, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report…which technically makes him fourth), and is solely responsible for making a good number of YouTube videos go viral. He’s cynical, obnoxious, and totally shameless – Which is probably what attracts so many college students to him. So what would a Tosh internship entail? Well, you’d be required to scour the internet ALL DAY LONG in search of hilarious and embarrassing videos (not bad), endure endless verbal abuse (compliments of your boss – Mr. Daniel Tosh), and shop around for cardigans and deep V-necks.
Snooki, Jersey Shore’s round little bronze starlet, said it best herself: “I’m someone’s first priority.” This poofy-haired guidette is high maintenance, and if she can’t find a juicehead gorilla to fulfill her needs, you can be sure she’ll be on the hunt for an intern to take care of her. Some of the more notable activities you’d be responsible for are: administering her spray tan, buying/frying/feeding her pickles, and “cuddling.” Her one requirement is that your last name has to end in a vowel. If you fit the bill, it might pay off: Being around Snooki automatically makes you seem 200% smarter than you actually are, so that’s a plus.
If it wasn’t for Tosh, this girl wouldn’t need an intern. The sarcastic comedian made her atrocious music video for the song “Friday” go viral by making fun of it on his show, and no one has looked back in the week since. Nearly 40 million views later, this girl continues to be an Internet sensation, and her infamy is only growing every day. So, who has the courage to stand up and be an intern for a 13-year-old girl? Luckily, adolescent girls don’t have many needs besides having someone around to talk to, so the job would be all partyin’ partyin’ (YEAH!), fun fun fun fun, and at most, helping the singer choose whether she rather sit in the front seat or kick it in back seat. Oh my god, what’s happening to me?