Not that I condone cheating, but if you’re going to do it do it right. You would think that in this day and age people would be a little smarter about their late-night rendezvous’. It’s really not that hard to delete a few texts or simply put a lock on your phone. Yet we’re still three-way kissing grenades on national television and we’re assuming that we won’t get caught. So let’s take it back to the basics of creeping for all those simpletons who are trying to have their cake and eat it too.
1. Do Not give your sidepiece an obvious nickname/ringtone in your phone
You’ve nicknamed your sidepiece “sexy thang” in your Blackberry and their ringtone is “Secret Lover.” Are you an idiot or just plain stupid? It’s clearly only a matter of time before you get caught…if you haven’t already. Everyone knows that all jumpoffs get listed under an alias name. This is a precautionary technique in case your partner ever sees them calling you and decides to question you about their identity. A normal but not true name makes it easier for you to fake a quick story about them being your uncle’s cousin’s sister’s husbands’s stepchild, or a new co-woker.
2. Do not take them to the same places you take your boy or girlfriend
Local movie theaters, restaurants and malls are out of the question when taking your fling outside the bedroom and into the streets. If you know your significant other is a frequent visitor of T.G.I. Fridays, it makes no sense to take your jumpoff there. If you find that there is a dire need for your and sidepiece to visit this particular restaurant chain, I recommend that you only visit franchises over 75 miles away…..and in disguise, of course.
3. Avoid loud late night conversations
Usually, late night conversations are the norm when cheating. It makes the most sense to talk to your sidepiece when your significant other is snoring. However, while talking dirty in the bathroom, keep the moaning and groaning to a minimum. There is a strong chance your partner is hearing every word that comes out of your mouth on the other side of the door. So take it back to your kindergarden days and use your inside voice. The morning will be much more pleasant this way.
4. Do not bring your jumpoff to your house.
If you and your partner live together or have exchanged keys, then it’s in your best interest never to tell your sidepiece where you live, let alone bring them to your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend, respectively, can easily walk in on you getting busy. It happens, and you can’t deny it like Shaggy. Even he had a hard time saying “It wasn’t me.” Instead, your play session will probably end up with someone going to the hospital or someone going to jail…..quite possibly even both. Along with this obvious scenario, it’s best to keep your address a mystery. If your side relationship goes south, after they go all fatal attraction on your car, your house will be next…followed by your rabbit, Fernando.
5. Do Not Use the Same M.O
You started out “working late, which turned into all nighters followed by last minute weekend trips to entertain “clients”. After discovering that your saturday meeting with was really a booty call your significant other questions your every move. If you’re first attempt at a side relationship went down the drain and you’re attempting to find girlfriend or boyfriend #2…..again, change up your mode of operation. If you start the same old routine, you will get caught and hell hath no fury like a twice scorned lover. Switch it up so that once late night calls turn into early morning ones or weekend booty calls turn into scheduled office quickies. So listen to the creepy lady at the typewriter and don’t be afraid of change.
I guarantee that if you follow these five rules, the odds of you being visited by Joey Greco and the Cheaters camera crews are slim to none. However, just because you now know the basics does not mean you are the master playa. There is an advanced class to this subject. I just know nothing about it. Im pretty sure Arnold Swarchenegger could teach you a thing or two, but his ass got caught too.