NEWSFLASH: Crime drama isn’t the only time stoners watch TV. In fact, we have a penchant for any kind of moving image in episode form. But there is a certain time of year when you’d be hard-pressed to get us off our respective couches: SHARK WEEK. Why do stoners love Shark Week so much? Well, read on to find out.
1. Sharks Are Dope
Duh. Sharks are like freaking dinosaurs. They haven’t really changed over hundreds of millions of years because they’re near-perfect predators. They come in 440 different varieties, all highly specialized – and I’m sure there are still more that no one knows about.
They have mad teeth, like the Coneheads (that’s right, I referenced a Dan Aykroyd movie in a post about sharks). Some are built to tear the shit out of other animals, others to slice through them, and then there are still others that survive on eating microscopic zooplankton. And dude, they don’t actually sleep. Instead, they have “resting periods,” and some even continue to swim while they are semi-conscious.
You can also hypnotize one by giving it a nice tickle on the nose. Seriously, check out this video:
2. No Channel Surfing Required
Nothing makes a stoner happier than not having to move. Snacks on the couch cushion, bong on the coffee table (pulled closer for convenience/as an ottoman, of course), and remote nearby. But life would be oh-so-much easier if I didn’t even have to reach those 24 inches across the couch to get the remote, only to then spend 10 minutes sifting through channels. Shark Week is the perfect excuse to be lazy. It’s all sharks, all the time, for seven straight days, so the remote can go fuck itself. I’ll pick it up again when Discovery goes back to playing Ice Road Truckers.
Itching to surf through channels during commercials? Just smoke a bong instead, bro.
3. It’s Like Swimming with Dangerous Animals, But From a Couch
The laziness factor comes in again. We potheads would love to travel the world, but it takes money that we rather spend on weed, and energy that we rather conserve for lighting bowls and embarking on the long trek to the kitchen. So this is the obvious way to have the best of both worlds: you don’t have to move or get wet, but you get the adrenaline rush of swimming with sharks, and once in a while a beautiful view of a tropical landscape.
Take another hit, shit will be even more real than real life.
4. Sharks Aren’t as Deadly as Vending Machines
This is a not-so-well documented FACT. Sharks might leave you alone, but snack machines are not so forgiving. Make sure to get all your munchies from Costco, because you never know when your dorm’s angry vending machine will tip over and kill you. That shit is dangerous. This isn’t really one of the reasons potheads enjoy Shark Week but I figured it was a funny and interesting factoid to keep in mind as you watch sharks tear the crap out of some surfer’s leg.
5. David Attenborough’s Got an Amazing Voice
Okay, so I realize that David Attenborough only narrates nature shows for BBC, but come on, dude has the most soothing voice in the world, and possibly the entire universe. Why Discovery Channel decided to have Sigourney Weaver narrate Planet Earth is beyond me. Pierce Brosnan for Blue Planet? Lame. Worst decision ever: Life, hosted by Oprah.
There’s just something about Atty’s raspy British drawl that eases the soul, makes anyone blazed out of their gourd feel like they’re there, among the sharks of the deep sea. So if Planet Earth pops up this week (which it undoubtedly will), just grab the Blu-Ray version that you lifted from Wal-Mart and watch that instead, specifically to hear David Attenborough’s smooth, sensual vocal stylings. It’s like god’s voice, but better.