Do you ever find yourself confused about your current relationship status, but when you ask your supposed significant other they never give you a straight answer? Are you playing the expected role of boyfriend/girlfriend yet not reaping the benefits? Beware ladies and gentlemen, these are tell-tale signs that the lines you’ve been hearing about how “you’re the only one” are bullsh!t. The “Sidepiece” also known as the jump-off, side hoe, or snack, is a common title given to those men or women who play second fiddle to the Main squeeze or #1 partner in a relationship. They are usually completely devoted to being the best sex partner, post-sex conversation holder, or pre-sex listener, that money can buy. If you still can’t figure out whether you’re being played, here are 5 definite signs to look for.
1. You have a designated day
Are your calls, texts, e-mails, and telegrams only answered on a certain day, after a certain time? It’s not a coincidence that the only time you ever spend with your bf/gf is on Monday night after 8pm for that late night quickie and maybe McDonalds afterwards (if it was good). Your partner can easily cover up a late night weekday romp with the “Working Late” excuse. Please be aware, I said weekday. Weekends are typically a jump-off free zone.
2. You get a “Who’s This” When you call
If you find yourself having to say “It’s Rachel Silly he he he” every time you call, here’s the truth: you’re not in their phone and you’re most-likely not gonna be. Nobody wants to see random names of members of the opposite sex in their Significant Other’s call log. If it’s just a number however, they can say they called for pizza, or the doctor to check up on that STD test. So if you’ve banged 3 times this week, but they still haven’t managed to put you in their phone, there’s another “Real Deal” in town. You’re the pizza guy.
3. You never go out in public.
Sure you guys may watch movies and try new restaurants, but it’s probably all done from the comfort of your home. If Netflix and takeout are the staples of your relationship, Houston, you have a problem. Don’t even try to justify last week’s game of mini-golf, because we all know it was played on Nintendo Wii. Let’s face it, your significant other does not wanna be seen with you in public. Its either because they’re scared to get caught creeping or because you’re ugly. For your sake, let’s hope it’s the latter.
4. You’ve Never Met their Friends or Family
You’ve probably told your mother, father, best friend, accountant, and dog about your newest fling and they are all waiting to meet him or her. Your so-called partner, on the other hand, has pulled out all the stops to make sure your never in the same room with anyone they’d call “friend.” Don’t even think about meeting the family. If you’re lucky, they might have introduced you by name to—–actually no one. The unwritten rules of sidepiecing are (yeah, not a word, I know), strictly stated, no introductions allowed…..to anyone….ever. So if you’ve never even met a mere acquaintance, I suggest you let Porkchop the pomeranian know that he doesn’t have a new mommy or daddy.
5. No Holidays
Christmas, New Years, Arbor Day, you’ve spent them all without your bf/gf. There may be some hope that you’re more than just mediocre sex if you receive a mass text, but chances are you don’t hear from them until weeks later with a message saying “Happy Holidays!” only to realize it’s nearing February. For those utterly obsessed with Valentines Day, you can “fahget abowt it.” Valentine’s Day celebrations are only for the privileged elite, which I call “The Claimed”. So, If you’re making excuses for why you never see your SO on a national holiday, chances are, it’s because you’re not on the “Good List.”
Its not the end of the world if after reading this, you painfully realize that you’re apart of the large majority that is the sidepiece. Some people like not having to deal with all the shit an official relationship brings. Others get depressed, eat ice cream and gain 25 pounds. Whichever category you fall in always remember, “the entree ain’t as good without something on the side”.