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5 Ways to Survive College Without Money

By Zonny Wax

We’ve all been down on our luck at one time or another. The economy is bad, and you’re a college student with no job. Your parents no longer want to support your habits, and the money you made from your summer job is dwindling fast. Well, if you find yourself on the verge of poverty and can’t afford your basic human needs, here are some methods of getting them the easy way.

1. Mooch off your roommate


Chances are, if you have no money…your roommate probably has more than you. He/She is willing to help you out here and there, but be sure you constantly remind him/her that they are your favorite person in the world, that you love them, and that you can’t live without them…literally. However, “don’t shit where you sleep,” is your watch phrase…mooch in moderation.

2. Trade textbooks for food money


There really is no point in reading a textbook if you have no funds to buy food, which in turn gives you the energy you need to study. For this very reason, you can sell your textbooks back to the store for cash, engage in burrito consumption, and then either find an online version of the book or borrow a copy from that sexy vixen you sit in front of every day. She’s beautiful, and the only thing she wants more than you, is for you to get your education on.

3. Steal


There is a huge world hunger problem, and if you’re reading this article, you are probably no exception. Stealing is something that nobody should do…but just in case you have no other choice; a backpack, a getaway car, and the nearest super store is all you need to ensure that you can eat for another month and still enjoy all the recreational activities your black and insensitive heart desires. Don’t get caught though, because apparently stealing is illegal?

4. Sugar Mommy/Daddy


More likely than not there is a bar in your college town that the locals frequent. Amongst these locals are middle-aged loners who will do anything for your young and fit body. Invite them onto the dance floor, and after a few dips and spins whisper in their ear, “I have no money, and I am so, so, so hungry.” Then tell them you should get out of there, maybe stop by the grocery store to pick up some food and make a sexy dinner together. When you get back, you will have a stocked fridge and a new friend to make food with!

5. Partially nude fruit picking


This is a good way to not only get in touch with nature, but to also fill your empty belly. Find your best rags/cloths and fashion a get up that will have you looking like a partially nude scholar from ancient Greece, and then waltz into the forest. Here you will find an assortment of seasoned fruits ranging from apples to berries, with every shape, size, and taste in between. This is by far the most reasonable and fun solution to your economic woes, and should be tried by all.

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