douchebag

Spotting a douchebag in his natural habitat can be tricky, but below are some undeniable red flags that a dude’s face belongs on a box of Summer’s Eve (a brand of douche, for those of you who didn’t know).

#1 Douchebag Signs – The Mank Top

I will never understand the logic of the Mank Top. A Mank top is a perfectly normal T-shirt with the sleeves (and most of the remaining fabric) gashed off: It drapes uselessly across the torso like a glorified rag. Is it for armpit ventilation? To make people think that it just accidentally ripped that way from flexing? Last I checked, there is no known human exercise that would result in gigantic armpit gashes. There are exactly three places that this sleazy half-toga is mildly acceptable: A. On the way to the gym, B. At the gym, and C. On the way home from the gym. A guy who sports the Mank Top in any other context is a Douche who wants the world to know he works on his obliques…A lot.

#2 Douchebag Signs – Crocs

If Smurfs tripping on acid were asked to design shoes, Crocs are would be the result. They are hideous, non-functional, and expensive. It’s bad enough that girls and toddlers wear these horrible rubber clogs, but a twenty-something male has no excuse, except that he’s a D-Bag.

#3 Douchebag Signs – Expensive, Girly Booze

wine drinker

There is a reason that in old Westerns, the cowboy hero never saunters into a saloon and orders a tequila shot or a cranberry-and-Grey Goose with a little soda. It’s lame. Douchebags, on the other hand, will shell out big money for name-brand liquor, which they then dilute with girly mixers. So if you’re talking to a guy holding a tequila sunrise, chances are he’s got a closet full of Mank Tops at home.

#4 Douchebag Signs – Jersey Shore Dance Moves

Dance floor behavior should be limited to casual grinding and the occasional hilarious Journey solo or Invisible Lasso. A guy who makes spanking gestures, extremely realistic O-faces, or thrusts as though his pelvis were delivering life-saving medicine to every woman within a three-foot radius is a D-Bag who needs a cold shower.

#5 Douchebag Signs – Lacrosse Gear

lacrosse-lax

Lacrosse is a sport that, like most of the country, we stole from Native Americans. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with lacrosse itself—it’s fun to watch and takes skill to play. But I’m guessing that if an Ojibwe medicine man could’ve peered into the future at the kind of bros that now carry on his tribe’s sacred pastime, he would have immediately snuggled up in a smallpox blanket. That’s because a guy who is all decked out in “Richington Academy LAX” apparel is all but guaranteed to be a gigantic, violent, beer-swilling Douche whose brain resembles a tender flank steak from too many ‘crosse blows to the head. Yes, there are lots of exceptions, but there’s also a reason for the stereotype.

#6 Douchebag Signs – Backwards Hat

Unless there is a serious threat of exclusively sunburning your neck in that dimly-lit bar, the backwards baseball cap is a universal symbol that its wearer is a designated hitter for Team D-Bag.

#7 Douchebag Signs – Facial Hair

guido-facial-hair

Between the ages of 19-23, there’s really only one style of facial hair that doesn’t look ridiculous, and that’s the I-Forgot-to-Shave scruff. A dude rocking a chin strap, a pedophile mustache, a goatee, or a full-on lumberjack beard is a Douchebag who is eagerly letting his patchy face-garden grow just because he can. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

#8 Douchebag Signs – Bragging

You didn’t know he has a beach house in South Carolina? Or that his dad knows the owner of the Blackhawks? Or that he’s like, a business major but is totally gonna go into law? Well, you soon will. The problem with D-Bags is that they brag about the kind of things that only other D-Bags would be impressed with, like money or their future career as a lawyer-slash-professional lacrosse player.

Do you have any more telltale signs of a D-Bag? Let us know!

Related Posts