It’s fall, which means it’s a brand new semester and the NFL and NCAA are balls deep in Football season. It’s a great time of the year for parties and sports. So why not combine the two? That’s what the fellas at The Campus Socialite believe in, and we’re proud to take a big step towards making that dream a reality with the kickoff of the Blitz & Beatz Tour. So, in celebration of all the ridiculous events happening at campuses across the country, I present to you a list of all the people that you’ll run into while partying like an animal.
Tailgate Personalities – Extreme Merch Fan
This type of fan owns every possible piece of merchandise that the team has sold over the past decade and is currently wearing it all: six shirts, twelve hats (all stacked on top of each other), a pair of boxers, a thong well-hidden underneath said boxers, sunglasses. He’s even covered himself in stickers and miscellaneous memorabilia. Chances are that he’ll probably paint any part of his body that escapes the punishment of all of those key-chains and hood ornaments.
Tailgate Personalities – Wannabe Athlete
Personally, I hate this guy the most. He thinks that he is actually a member of the team. Most of the time you can identify this fan by his mirrored Oakley shades and an official team jersey with his own name stitched on the back. He always says how “we deserve to win” and “we are the most talented team out there right now.” You are not part of the team, my friend. He makes up for his failures by claiming that he’s the undefeatable champion of every drinking game. When he is completely shown up by his opponents, he is quick to blame the wind direction or straight-up accuse someone of cheating.
Tailgate Personalities – Girls
Let’s be honest, no girls like, or even understand, sports. They just want a reason to dress up real sexy and pretend to get wildly drunk. When everyone cheers, they cheer also. Not that they have any idea of what’s going on, but they like to fit in with the guys. You girls know who you are.
Tailgate Personalities –Headbutting Fans
These are not just individual fans, but packs…like wolves, or raptors. Sometimes they get carried away whilst discussing the sporting event with a complete stranger, and end up losing track of the rest of their pride. When they finally find someone they know after wandering for a half hour, they scream and beat their chests like gorillas, run at each other, and smash heads while locked in a brotherly shoulder embrace. Contrary to popular belief, these guys are some of the friendliest tailgaters. If they headbutt you, it’s only because they love you.
Tailgate Personalities – The Over-Dressed Tailgater
This guy never fits in. He looks like he just came from work. You’ll notice him because he’ll be wearing a nice shirt, slacks, and dress shoes. Possibly even a tie. His friends probably just invited him because they felt bad that he was the only one that doesn’t like sports, and therefore was going to end up hanging out alone in his apartment. So lonely. Most likely he’ll just find the nearest chair and a beer and watch the festivities from afar. What a downer.
Tailgate Personalities – The “Wooderson”
Did you ever see Dazed & Confused? You know know Matthew McConaughy’s character Wooderson? Well, this is living, breathing, much creepier version. This tailgater hangs out with all of the college kids, even though he’s been on this Earth longer than all of them combined. He’ll always get really drunk, then he’ll start slobbering, and then when the time is right he makes sure to sling both of his arms over the shoulders of the two hottest girls he can find, using them to stabilize his arthritic knees.
Tailgate Personalities – The Designated Cook
The official chef of the tailgate party is a champ. He comes prepared with all sorts of meat and plenty of extra drink for his buddies. What? You’re a vegetarian? Don’t worry, he has squash, corn, beans – whatever floats your boat. Of course he doesn’t eat or drink anything himself, but just gets high off of watching others enjoy his four-course dinner. Delicious.
Tailgate Personalities – The Ultimate Fanbaby
There’s always at least one father who wants his kid to have a leg-up on the tailgate scene. So why not start as early as humanly possible? Buy up as much infant memorabilia as you can and toss it all on your child. Then, just to make sure that everyone sees how cute they look in their fan gear, dad throws son up on his shoulders and tells him to cheer. It’s so adorable that it makes me want to vomit.
Tailgate Personalities – The Mooch
This tailgater is infamous. Everyone knows who he is and what he plans to do, but no one wants to speak up. He’ll show up to the game all by himself and scope out the scene. Who has the most beer? Who has the most food? He’ll search out a strategic location and try to blend in with his targets. He’ll make some small talk and then assimilate into the group. Without asking he’ll grab some brews and dogs, and then when he’s exhausted your supply he’ll just disappear like a ghost. Maybe at some point you’ll see him haunting another group of tailgaters. You feel bad for them, but you aren’t going to do anything because why should you be the only person getting played?