Hello weekend! I look back at my week and I am one step closer to the working force, yet still uneducated. You win some and you lose some. As I’m sitting here, and I am yet again on Facebook, I figure I might as well write about it. Not my typical article talking about poking 16 year olds, but instead, I’d like to share a letter with my readers that will hopefully one day reach Money Mark.
Dear Mr. Zuckerberg,
Who would have guessed that a socially awkward person such as yourself would become a trillionaire off a website about having friends? I’ve watched documentaries and movies about you, and you sweat more than Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. If I had met you, and you told me you would be a billionaire one day, I would have asked you if I could have a hit of whatever you were smoking. You put MySpace out of business; I didn’t even think that was possible. At least Tom was smart and sold out before you put a foot in the door. I don’t care who said you stole the idea, you made high school and college kids get laid more easily, and because of that, you’re a swell pal. I wouldn’t be considered a creep if it wasn’t for you, but I still embrace it. Who needs E-Harmony when you have the poke button? I joined Twitter but no one follows me. At least I have 900 friends on Facebook who see my status, whether they want to or not.
Money Mark, what do you do with all your money though? I’m sitting here with $60 in my pocket and I feel like the man; you have $6 billion! You should go to a G-Unit show and get on stage and throw at least one million out in singles. Get popular for being a maniac. I want to see you on the front of the “Times” with the headline, “Zuckerberg kidnapped a midget stripper.” Let TMZ follow you and just flip them off. Become a badass. O.J. got away with murder and you have WAY more money than him. I’m not saying kill someone…but at least get into a bar fight. You could donate some money to the uneducated, unemployed 22-year-old like me and I could be impregnating many different females. Date a celebrity; that’s one way down a bad road. Pick up Paris Hilton and make a sex tape, “She Facebooked MySpace until She Googled.” I’d purchase that one.
It’s a Friday morning and I’m hung over as shit, what are you doing right now? Why don’t you fly to Long Island and come out with me for a night? Your whole life would change. So Mark Zuckerberg, as I’m embracing my cheap beer, this Bud is for you.