Alcohol: The Steps You Take To Greatness (or epic failure)

Being drunk, everyone does it. Few remember it, A LOT regret it. I, on the other hand, love it. It’s the next best thing to sex and Chipotle. Someone could piss their pants or wake up in a random parent’s room, and they could just say, “I was so drunk last night,” and everybody would be like, “Oh okay.” Piss your pants on a Tuesday during finals week in the library and see how your peers shrug it off. If Bill Clinton came on national TV and said, “Monica actually gave me a blowie after happy hour,” most Americans would have probably forgiven him. I know I would have. And what’s with everyone hating on my man Charlie Sheen? You only hate it cause you ain’t it. Ask any straight man in the world if they would want to be him; 97 out of 100 would say yes while the other three probably haven’t come out of the closet yet.

College guys drinking

Getting drunk is also a creative way to learn new definitions of words and phrases. How many times have you woken up and you heard one of your friends make up a new word about how drunk they were. Example (from my friends) include: Zooted, Shamood, Sloshed, Hard in the paint. My favorite is Wamboozle (the effects of drinking when you stuff and vomit simultaneously). Honestly, if you ever used a random word for what you did last night, someone would probably assume you were drunk. “I ate dinner last night, then got so STUFFFEEDDD.” There is a process that everyone goes through on the way to getting drunk. Read about the phases after the jump.

The First Couple Drinks

The first couple drinks

This is the first step to reaching the goal of blacking out. These are probably the best beers you ever tasted. For most people, you waited all week for this, for me, 15 hours, tops. Knowing you don’t have to hear a teacher or boss bitch to you. No responsibilities and no worries. You know the next day you can wake up knowing you don’t have to suck today’s dick, you might just have to suffer a hangover. For guys, these drinks usually consist of cheap beer; for my sweethearts, usually a glass of wine, or some type of fruity drink. Many people have traditions regarding where they like to have their first drinks. Maybe happy hour, while eating dinner, or even just hanging out with some of their friends shooting the stuff. I, on the other hand, am more of a George Thorogood drinker, as my boy CB describes it. I like to drink alone, not all night, just my first couple. It’s the most relaxing thing to do. I like to have one right before I shower, one in the shower, and, of course, one right after when I’m getting ready. Who’s around to judge me? When boxers train they move out to bumble-fudge for no distractions, that’s how I see my life when I’m getting ready for a big night.


The next step in the process of waking up in a strange place, is getting buzzed. Everyone heard this statement, “Wow, I’m starting to feel it.” That, right there my friends, is buzzed. No one goes from sober to drunk, and if you do, you have the tolerance like you’re fresh out of the womb. For most people, this is their Limbo for the night. Not sober in hell but not drunk in heaven, just relaxing on cloud 9. This is the stage where guys send out texts to all you sweethearts. “You going out tonight?” Blatantly obvious we’re on the prowl. Girls start to do the same, just in a more demanding fashion. “Go to blahblah tonight, me and my friends will be there!”

Drunk texting

There are only 2 reasons why she’s texting you. She either (1) has her period and feels like being a willy tease, or (2) is a bottle rat, hoping you’ll buy her and her friends some drinks if she acts like she wants you. But back to being buzzed. If you are a typical college student, you like to take the shortest route from buzzed to drunk. This is when the full beer flip cup game, funneling, liquor bottles or even the roofie in a can itself, 4Loko, come out. Now it is time to buckle down. It’s when I look at my 12-pack, I’m at the bottom of the 9th with bases loaded and got 3 more beers at bat before the bar. Nothing else to do but to swing away. This kid is clutch.



See now, this is my frickin Limbo. Bring sober blows, and being buzzed isn’t close to my idea of a good time. This is usually the stage where people start to loosen up. Girls will dance with random guys (if not on the bar), guys will slap random girls’ asses. It’s all good and fun. At the drunk stage, everyone is guaranteed to do at least one thing they will regret the next day. Whether it’s hooking up with a slizzard (slizzard; noun: a type of female who you wouldn’t bring home because she couldn’t fit in the door; this girl is most likely to get divorced) or texting an ex, things get slightly inappropriate. It’s easy to spot the signs of when males and females in their early 20s are getting drunk. Female symptoms include: crying, dancing on bars with their underwear showing, having a heart-to-heart with someone about a guy, falling down, and, of course, puking. Male symptoms include: buying  girls drinks, overuse of the phrase, “What the fudge you looking at?” and trying to find a buzzer beater or secretly disappearing to do the naughty. Most people choose to stop drinking once they hit this stage since things will only get worse. Hugo only has one speed and that’s full speed. I keep sucking in fluid like I’m trying to find Nemo.

Whatever You Want to Call It

The last, and final resting point for most people. This is the point of no return. Dance until you drop. Confusion has set in your mind. Your senses are starting to go.
Taste: burn your mouth on a drunk munch, or chugging tequila like you just ran a marathon.
Touch: sex feels like it’s not happening, you can’t feel the difference from an ass and an elbo.
Sight: you don’t realize you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that thing.
Smell: too hammered to smell you left the oven on, and latex starts to make you gag.
Hearing: if you don’t hear anything, just make sure you have a pulse.

passed out drunk

Girls start to ask the 4 W’s and the big H. Whose bed am I in? What is this fluid on me? Where the fudge are my friends? Why did they leave me? How am I still alive?

If you are a guy, your main concern during this stage is making sure the flag pole gets raised when it’s needed. Half of your friends probably think you’re dead (typically, you do an Irish Goodbye to secretly do some ground and pound). This state involves a downward spiral for most people, but not for me. I embrace this stage of drunken-mess. When the next day finally arrives, you’re guaranteed to be sucking today’s dick. There’s nothing you can do except one thing, the only way to detox is to retox.

“Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.”
—Winston Churchill

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
—Frank Sinatra

Related Posts