Does frickin a warm apple pie ever get old? Apparently not, or at least not according to the creators of the American Pie series. Remember American Pie? You saw the 1st one like a million times, the 2nd about half a million, the 3rd once in theatres, and every once in a while, you still see a commercial for a straight to DVD sequel. But now, for the first time since you were sneaking the VHS tape out of your older brother’s room, American Pie is make a true push back into actual movie theaters. How? By bringing back the entire (or most of) original cast for a reunion movie. Really?
The original cast move has become a growing trend in the film industry. Fortunately for producers, most movie star careers don’t last very long. This holds true especially for careers that result from cheap popcorn comedies for sexually frustrated teens like American Pie. All Hollywood has to do is wait 10 or so years, and most of a movie ‘s once blooming stars will be available, cheap, and more than willing to help bust out a convoluted, pointless sequel that will undoubtedly generate millions of dollars in nostalgia based ticket sales, and serve as some white noise while you try to violate that poor co-worker who agreed to go to the movies as friends. Phew.
As of now, the only original cast-members who are signed in blood are Jason Biggs, Sean William Scott, and Eugene Levy – Scott of course, being the only one who still appears in popular movies. Universal Studios, who will be producing the flick, is in negotiations with Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Chris Klein, Mena Suvari and Jennifer Coolidge. Judging by the fact that the last time I saw one of them on a screen was an emailed picture of Tara Reid’s tits, I’m guessing the negotiations are going well. The only two left are Shannon Elizabeth, who plays poker now, and Alyson Hannigan, who joins Sean William Scott as the other successful alum, with a starring role on the popular How I Met Your Mother. She’ll most-likely be the stretch.
Excited? Well before you cream your pants, thinking of all the times you jacked off to that scene with Shannon Elizabeth changing, there’s something you should know: This movie is going to suck. Sequels are hardly ever good, and the fact that this is something like the 10th one, after about 5 straight-to-DVDs (no I didn’t research those numbers because I don’t give a fudge) is not helping their case. Throw in that 90% of the cast are a bunch of wash-ups, who played one dimensional high school caricatures in the original…things aren’t looking so good.
I know you don’t believe me. Either that or it’s “It has to be kinda funny.” or “I just wanna see it. Even though it’s going to be bad.” Wrong, and fudge you, respectively. The reason Hollywood produces 5 good movies a year, and hundreds of moving pieces of stuff is because you’re willing to pay the money to see them. That’s right, you! If American Pie reminds you of your childhood, pull out your VCR and box of tissues and have a ball. But don’t go see this movie. You wanna make a charitable donation? Try Meals on Wheels, not Universal Studios. They should have to earn that money, just like you, and pumping out sequels to 10 year old movies, is not worthy of anything. Besides, your childhood sucked.
Of course, I could be wrong. With good writing, and good directing, any movie has the potential to be good. Comedy has changed a lot in the past decade, and maybe the producers aim to take the American Pie concept, and restructure it for a new generation of moviegoers. Guys trying to get laid will never stop being entertaining, and with the right spin, it can even be mildly original. But all that having said, i’m rarely wrong. A movie like this, with a basically guaranteed audience of mid-20 year-olds who grew up on the originals, is going to have the least amount of effort put into it possible. Just look to the Star Wars prequels if you want an example. Take my advice socialites; keep your money and download that bitch. Fuck it, don’t even give them the pleasure.
