On behalf of every student at a school in the North:
Alright, we get it. You have sixty degree temperatures in the winter. Your winter breaks are the perfect times to hit the beach. Guys can walk around in their shorts all day while the girls can sunbathe it up on the quad between classes. And that’s fine, you know? We have nothing against that.
It’s not like, you know, you have nine months of bone-chilling cold and unsympathetic winds. It’s not as if you have to go around wearing two jackets just to get to Psych every Tuesday. And it definitely doesn’t matter that your school looks like it does on the brochure year round, whereas we’re blanketed with a misleading sheet of white most of the time.
What we’re asking is: Can you tone the haughtiness down a notch? I mean, making bikini calendars of your hottest chicks? Here in the tundra of Ithaca, it’s too cold for girls to even think about that. And we know that you can play Frisbee down in Arizona or Dallas or Miami whenever you want. Do you know what we’re stuck with here most months? Hockey and basketball. Indoor basketball, mind you. And that’s reserved for the real athletes. That’s no fun.
So here’s my proposition to you. In three months (around August) it will start getting cold here again. If you could invent some kind of device that would warm this part of the country from then until it gets warm again in 2012, that would be much appreciated. Then we can all jaunt around in our skivvies at some wild house party on College Ave. and not have to worry about freezing our asses off through ten miles of snow and cold (or skidding over black ice, which you never have to worry about) just to get there.