BJ Conundrum’s Guide To Getting High In Your Dorm


Okay freshmen socialites, this might be a week too late, but I figured you should know before you get in over your heads. Odds are, if you smoke weed in your dorm room, you’re gonna have at least one run-in with the cops before the end of the year. It’s just seems like an inevitable truth to me. Every single pothead I know, including yours truly, has had to deal with the Campus Cops at one point or another. It’s even worse when your police are staties, and not just rent-a-cops (you private school kids are damn lucky). So, here are my (almost) foolproof ways of getting away with burning in your dorm. Keep in mind that these rules are directed at those who live in a double, but apply to everyone.


Towel the Freakin’ Door


I always towel the door, but unfortunately the method is not always effective. A wet towel will keep the smoke in the space of your room, but not necessarily trap the smell. Still, it’s better to be safe than sorry, so do it up anyway. I *hear* that it’s entirely more effective to keep your room warmer than the hallway outside. Think about what you learned in Earth Science: cool air always flows towards warm air, so the smell will at least stay in your room…and that’s better than the whole floor smelling your business. I’d tell you to keep your window open too, but if it’s warmer outside than it is in your room, then all that smoke is gonna blow straight to the hallway.


MacGyver a Spoof (or Sploof, If You Prefer That Way)


Everyone’s got a different way of making a spoof: some people are content just taking an empty toilet paper roll, strapping a dryer sheet to one end, and then filling the device with more sheets, but I employ a totally different method that turns spoof-making and smoke-blowing into art. I can’t help it, I’m a creative stoner. Grab a water bottle and load it up with as many dryer sheets as possible. Then poke holes in a pattern of your choosing in the bottom on the bottle. Blow smoke into bottle and voila! You get fresh smelling smoke that flies out in all different directions. A hallway that reeks of fresh laundry is far better than one that stinks of skunky weed.


Buy Enough Air Fresheners to Suffocate a Small Child


Some people swear by the smell of popcorn to cover up weed, but there’s a major problem with that: If you’re a big pothead, you’re gonna be making a SHIT-TON of popcorn, and even the most stoned folks can’t eat that much popcorn, regardless of whether it’s lightly buttered, kettle, or cheddar. Munchies are necessary, but too much popcorn is a bad thing. It’s a far better idea to run out to Wal-Mart and stock up on all kinds of different air fresheners. Grab some Febreze in a spray bottle, an Oust fan, or if you can spare the cash grab one of those things that releases fragrance when it detects an odor. Maybe even snatch up a candle or 10, because giant ones are only $5 there, and you can get strong flavors like Hazelnut Cream that make your room smell like a coffee pot.


Get a Vaporizer Already


The vaporizer is a college necessity, and you’re an idiot if you try to tell me that vaping doesn’t get you high. Either you aren’t hitting it right, or you just refuse to believe that is by far the best way to smoke weed (like a few of my friends). Not only are you getting the most out of your bud, but you have all but completely eliminated stanky weed odor from the equation. Just make sure you know what you’re doing, because if the vape is on too high then it’ll burn your herb and start stinking up everything, and that’s just straight counterproductive.


Make Friends With Someone Who Lives in a Suite


If all of the above fail, it’s time to start getting off your ass to blaze. I know you’re lazy and don’t wanna move, but it’ll save you a lot of stress in the long run. Take it from someone who actually lived the experience: The only way to make sure you’re completely safe from getting caught is to smoke in a suite room or even better – a suite bathroom. I had all the previous safeguards going at once, and I still ended up in handcuffs. Seriously. I was blowing my vaporizer smoke into a spoof with the door toweled and mad fresheners going…didn’t stop the 5-0 from showing up at my door. So I spent the rest of my freshman year making the long trek to the suite community to get high. I got smart the next year and got myself a suite – never had a problem again.

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