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BJ Conundrum’s Perfect St. Patty’s Day: 50 Requirements in List Form

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Saint Patrick’s Day! For some of you (including myself), the party already started last weekend. But the actual holiday is during the week this year, which is going to make for some very interesting in-class drinking escapades…and I’m sure this weekend will also be a gigantic shit-show. So congratulations socialites, we’ve successfully turned St. Patrick’s Day into St. Patrick’s Week. But you know, this momentous celebration wouldn’t be the same without a few things, so without further ado, here are 50 requirements for the perfect St. Patty’s Day.

  1. GREEN EVERYTHING!
  2. What the fuck is the open container law?
  3. Fights that start for absolutely no reason.
  4. Fights that start over some girl.
  5. Fights that start because of a spilled beer…yeah, one beer spilled, not a big deal bro – chill out.
  6. Anyone see a leprechaun in that tree say YEAH!
  7. And wherever there’s a leprechaun there’s a pot of gold…
  8. But seriously, I would love to find a pot of gold.
  9. Midgets dressed as leprechauns (not politically correct enough for you? Go fuck yourself I’m drunk).
  10. My Irish Catholic friends drinking their feelings away.
  11. Everyone gets to be Irish Catholic for a day…which is just justification for us to drink our feelings away, too.
  12. Bars that smell overwhelmingly like vomit.
  13. People vomiting because of that lingering vomit smell.
  14. People seeing other people vomit, and then, in turn, vomiting themselves.
  15. After strategically executed regurgitation, return to drinking heavily.
  16. Lots and lots of Irish Car Bombs.
  17. Even more curdled Irish Car Bombs.
  18. Which, of course, means curdled milk mustaches for everyone!
  19. One word…Guinness.
  20. Wait…one more word: Jameson.
  21. MORE GREEN.
  22. Super slippery floors.
  23. People who exploit wet floors to slide around like drunk idiots.
  24. People who accidentally slip and hurt themselves then get up like nothing happened, just to find out that everyone in the bar saw and is drunkenly applauding.
  25. This is all inevitably followed by unbearably sticky floors.
  26. An inflatable fucking bar…fuck yes.
  27. Bar Crawls.
  28. With cheap ass drink specials.
  29. Even better – FREE DRINKS!
  30. Blacking out.
  31. Hooking up with a grenade while blacked out.
  32. Stealing something from somewhere while blacked out.
  33. Breaking something while blacked out.
  34. Waking up the next day with unexplainable cuts and bruises.
  35. Waking up the next day in a jail cell with no idea as to how you got there.
  36. Dropkick Murphys and Flogging Molly ALL DAY LONG.
  37. Drunk girls sitting on the curb and crying for no actual reason other than being stupid and drunk.
  38. Slurred, sloppy, nonsensical Irish drinking songs.
  39. Bagpipes (I always thought of bagpipes as a Scottish instrument, but I guess high-pitched noise that some people consider music knows no boundaries).
  40. Did I mention that everyone and their mother wears green today?
  41. Drunk Irish step dancing…hilarious.
  42. Corned beef and cabbage.
  43. Nasty, juicy farts…probably a result of too much corned beef and cabbage.
  44. Shadily drinking in class.
  45. Does anyone really know what Patrick did to become a saint?
  46. Or why we binge drink to celebrate his saintliness?
  47. I would love to have the above questions answered.
  48. Lucky fucking Charms for breakfast.
  49. With beer instead of milk, bitches.
  50. Too many gingers!
Tags : AlcoholBeerBinge DrinkingSt. Paddy's DaySt. Patrick's Day
Kathrina

The author Kathrina

Kathrina is an enthusiast of all-things college lifestyle. She's the expert!

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