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BJ Conundrum’s Perfect Woman: 50 Requirements in List Form


Women are fickle. Not only that, but they’re out of their minds, too. Trying to a find a woman who complements you perfectly is like attempting to drop a deuce in the shape of an equilateral triangle – You just can’t do it. That’s why I prefer to be an emotionless pussy-pounding machine: I don’t know them, I don’t want to know them, and I couldn’t give less of a shit about anything they think or believe. You may think I’m a misogynist, but it’s not because I have anything against women, it’s just that I want them to be a certain way that they just can’t, and never will, be. I’m sure every guy out there knows what I’m talking about. Let’s get creative with it: Here is a laundry list of character traits I expect from the perfect woman.

  1. Put the cap on the toothpaste…it’s just common fucking sense.
  2. Be a musician…musicians like actual good music, not that shit that Ryan Seacrest tells you to like.
  3. Cook well…I can cook, so you better be able to cook also.
  4. Make the bed…because that’s something I just won’t do.
  5. Give me a blowjob when I’m too tired for sex…or when it’s your period.
  6. Or a hand job if you just went to the dentist.
  7. By the way, quit bleeding once a month.
  8. If you decide to keep menstruating, stay away from me 3 or 4 days a month.
  9. Don’t be upset if I cum and you haven’t…I’m sure you can take care of yourself.
  10. Don’t play stupid games to see if I care about you…I don’t really care: I’m a dude.
  11. Have a nice ass.
  12. Let me squeeze said ass in public places.
  13. Be able to eat candy and junk food and never gain weight…I have a wicked fast metabolism, you should, too.
  14. If not, just don’t eat…ever.
  15. If you can eat, you better like strawberry and cherry flavors. If you like grape or watermelon flavors, just give up now.
  16. Be content with laying about and doing nothing all day, every day, for a number of days.
  17. Wash your own damn dishes.
  18. Wash my dishes while you’re at it.
  19. Stop being so empowered.
  20. I can’t stress that last one enough.
  21. Make enough money to support yourself, me, and my habits, all without being too empowered.
  22. Support my decisions.
  23. Don’t be 6 feet tall.
  24. Rub my belly while I drop a log.
  25. Deal with my bad breath…I like cheese, fuck off.
  26. Don’t tell me that I can’t eat cheese, I fucking love cheese.
  27. Keep your vagina shaven…or at the very least neatly trimmed.
  28. And make sure it smells like freshly cut roses down there.
  29. Please don’t have a mustache…or any other hidden man-parts.
  30. Stop taking all the blankets when we sleep together.
  31. Wear heels…don’t be a quitter.
  32. Don’t complain that I don’t snuggle enough, then when I want to snuggle complain that I like it too much.
  33. I want to fuck every girl on TV, in movies, who can sing well, or who exists…deal with it.
  34. I will always have more love for my close guy friends than for you.
  35. Don’t instruct me to pull your hair during sex and then get mad when I smack you.
  36. Let me give you the shocker.
  37. I don’t give a shit about your new dress.
  38. Get some friends who are girls so you can tell them about your new fucking dress.
  39. Sarah Jessica Parker is neither hot nor fabulous…deal.
  40. Women aren’t funny enough to be comedians, so stop making jokes.
  41. Instead, just laugh at my jokes.
  42. Don’t get mad when I pee in the shower, I’m fucking lazy and there’s a drain right there.
  43. Rip the toilet paper at the top…no one likes to use the toilet paper that hangs to the floor.
  44. If I hurt your feelings, don’t write about it in a letter. Man up and repress that shit.
  45. If you’re feeling insecure about your body, don’t complain about it to me and expect me to tell you that “you’re perfect the way you are.”
  46. Don’t yell at me if I accidentally put it in your butt…those two holes are really close to each other. If anything, yell at God for making you that way.
  47. If I’m watching sports, either leave or put on a jersey and shut the fuck up.
  48. I don’t like your friends, stop talking about them.
  49. My friends don’t like you, stop talking to them.
  50. If you’re a girl and you made it to the end of this list without wanting to murder me, then drop me a line at I think this could be something real.

Yours Truly,

BJ Conundrum

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