Thursday night’s Oakland game was a nice little teaser for what is once again an incredibly arousing group of games. And in good news for fantasy owners, we can officially stop worrying about who has byes and get back to what’s important: Fuck Chris Johnson.
Cardinals at Eagles
I’m fairly confident that last week’s game is the official end of the “Dream Team.” That being said, I’m gonna go ahead and make an early prediction: The Eagles dominate next year. When a teams adds that many players, let alone starters, they simply will not be able to pick up and gel together and perform well. But after a full year (and a full off-season) together, the Eagles will be firing on all cylinders next year. They beat the Cardinals tomorrow.
Bills at Cowboys
I’m super fucking pissed because in Boston, this is one of the one o’clock games we get. Are you fucking serious? No one gives half a shit about Tony Homo and the Cowboys outside of bumblefuck podunk hellholes like Texas and Oklahoma, so can we please stop pretending they’re still a team of national interest? Teams like the Steelers (who I will not be watching at one), Saints and Colts all have bigger national fanbases but the idea that Dallas is “America’s Team” still lingers and I’m forced to watch this piece of shit game. Buffalo wins on fucking principle.
Steelers at Bengals
Oh man. The first of many games that make life worth living for at least one more week. Are the Bengals for real? Who will get inured this week for the Stillers? Can either team beat the Ravens? This game is fraught with playoff implications and, for the Bengals, answers about their legitimacy as a contender. The Steelers will win, but the Bengals are still for real and could be the second AFC Wild Card.
Broncos at Chiefs
This game is a big test for Timmy Tebow and the experimental option offense in Denver. A big rivalry win in a difficult stadium could be indicative of potential success. A loss reads as an immature team that can’t even beat a shitty team like KC that’s barely better than Denver. Luckily for the Broncos, they will pull this one out despite Tebow.
Jaguars at Colts
I’m trying really hard to find some angle that makes this game interesting, but it is simply impossible. This game is the Two And A Half Men of football games. Expect the Colts to get their first W, though.
Redskins at Dolphins
Just read the last game preview for this one. Not only do I not give a shit about this game, I don’t even give a single particle of shit about. I don’t even give on of those times where you think you’re gonna shit but end up just pushing for five minutes and nothing comes out about this game. Dolphins win.
Titans at Panthers
Cam Newton is on the injury report for the first time, but he’s probable and will play. It is a real treat to watch Cam play, so even a mediocre game like this is somewhat exciting when he’s under center. The Titans will win.
Saints at Falcons
This is the other one o’clock game I get to watch, which almost makes up for the debauchery that will be the Buffalo game. My Bree-rection (a word used to describe the erection one gets at the thought of watching Breesus’s masterful quarterbackery) is raging. Falcons get the win at home though.
Texans at Buccaneers
I can’t help but be disappointed by the Bucs. They may be in one of the best divisions in the league, but they are a better team than they’ve played so far. I want to see them step up against a solid inter-league team, but I fear they may end up struggling again and making the AFC South a two-man race. I’ll pick them to win anyways, but with great reservation.
Rams at Browns
Games this shitty are actually entertaining. It’s like watching two really dumb people fight. There is a winner, but the real winners are the people smart enough to realize that every single Coldplay album fucking sucks so stop debating whether Parachutes or A Rush of Blood to the Head is better. Browns win this one.
Ravens at Seahawks
Yawwww-fucking-awwwwwn. The Ravens will win this one with ease; the Seahawks will continue to play in a manner that is as ugly as their ugly fucking jerseys.
Lions at Bears
Every time these teams play, I find myself debating a more important question than who will win: Who would actually win in a fight between a Bear and a Lion? This is by far the best combo of mascots for this question to be debated. I vote bear, but it would certainly be a close one. Ironically, I expect the Lions to triumph Sunday.
Giants at 49ers
This is by far the most intriguing game of the week. The 49ers and Giants are definitely both for real, as hard as that is to believe with Elijah and Alex Smith still quarterbacking them. They’re both light-years behind the Packers, but the winner of this game is easily the second banana in the entire league. It’s gonna be tough one, but Eli comes in gets the W in the land that God forgot. The Giants will celebrate at the hottest straight club in San Fran, Hetero McVaginaLover’s Pussy Penetrating Playhouse.
Patriots at Jets
This game is the deciding point in the 2011 Jets season. A win and they have established themselves as real contenders. A loss and they can expect to be watching both the Wild Card spots go to AFC North teams. They pull this one out under pressure; Tom Brady continues to not give a shit.
Monday night: Vikings at Packers
Despite this inevitably being a ridiculous blowout, Aaron Rodgers is playing so well I’m going to watch anyways. Watching him play is like watching Jesus himself masturbate onto the faces of a million angels while the ghosts of Pac and Biggie trade verses in the background.