What says Merry Chrismahannakwanzaka to you better than a few holiday themed Do’s and Don’ts? Here are some tips that might help you deck her halls and get your candy cane some action during the most wonderful time of the year.
DO: Challah Atcha Girl Over Winter Break
Too much? To all of my Jewish readers, I wish you a very Happy Hanukkah. Who needs a fat guy in a suit when you can have eight crazy nights and Adam Sandler’s Hannukah Song, right? HA. Yeah, keep telling yourself that. But anyway, why should you go into a dry spell because of a few weeks away from your slam piece? Turn off the “Oh Holey Night” Christmas themed porno and snap out of it. The Jews kept the oil burning for eight whole days so why should you let your sex drive burn out because of a little distance?
Chances are, the girls at your school will all be banging their exes over break, but that doesn’t mean you should let yourself slip your slams’ minds. It’s not quantum physics, boys – just ask her how her break is going, tell her you miss her/need her/want her or wish her a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah. The girl will be so happy you thought of her over break that Santa may come more than once this year, if you catch my drift.
DON’T: Date a Hoe Hoe Hoe
To all of my Christian readers, I wish you guys a Merry, Merry Christmas! As much as we all love rapping about hoes, no one wants to have to pimp slap his own girlfriend. Although there are always exceptions, a girl who spreads her legs faster than a four year old opens his gifts on Christmas morning, is probably on the naughty list.
Your package probably isn’t the only thing she’s unwrapped this Christmas, if you know what I’m saying. I’m not totally hating on one night stands, but is that really the kind of girl you want to take home to mom? Mrs. Claus probably didn’t get to (or on) the North Pole by giving it up too fast – just sayin’.
DO: Learn How to Snowboard
I don’t know what it is about a guy on a snowboard, but it makes girls melt faster than Frosty the Snowman (RIP). I can’t speak for every girl, but there’s something about a guy with douchey swag, wearing obnoxiously bright neon pants and printed jackets while shredding up some snow that just drives me crazy. Skiers just don’t have the same effect so go grab a board and learn how to tear up some virgin…snow – jeez get your mind out of the gutter. Snowboarding is one of the greatest adrenaline rushes and ski resorts are great places to meet “outdoorsy” and adventurous type girls who don’t mind breaking a nail while killing it on the slopes. Play your cards right, and your chestnuts might be roasting on an open fire.
For all you gingers out there, you’re in luck. Did Shaun White wallow around just because he has no soul? No. He became the world’s greatest snowboarder, and not to mention the world’s most bangable ging (besides my beautiful sister, of course). Or for all of you fellas out there who took a heavy beating from the ugly stick, here’s your opportunity to hit on girls. Disguise yourself with an awesome beanie or some sick goggles and at least girls will be attracted to you for the time being. Hey, everyone knows Michael Phelps is only hot with goggles and a swim cap on, so follow his lead.
DON’T: Be Scrooge if You Want to Get Screwed
There is no one, especially NO girl, in the milky way who doesn’t like getting presents. If you want to stuff her stocking this Christmas season then pull a few dollars out of your wallet and get her a little something. We’re not asking for diamond earrings (although we totally won’t turn them down), but giving someone a candy cane with a kiss under the mistletoe never hurt anybody. Or presents in the bedroom work just as well. Remember that giving can be just as fun as receiving my friend. And yes, let your mind go dirty places with that one. You go Glen Coco!