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Boston UniversitySex and Relationships

5 Obvious Ways to Avoid Getting Caught Cheating

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Not that I condone cheating, but if you’re going to do it do it right. You would think that in this day and age people would be a little smarter about their late-night rendezvous’. It’s really not that hard to delete a few texts or simply put a lock on your phone. Yet we’re still three-way kissing grenades on national television and we’re assuming that we won’t get caught. So let’s take it back to the basics of creeping for all those simpletons who are trying to have their cake and eat it too.

 

 1. Do Not give your sidepiece an obvious nickname/ringtone in your phone

You’ve nicknamed your sidepiece “sexy thang” in your Blackberry and their ringtone is “Secret Lover.” Are you an idiot or just plain stupid? It’s clearly only a matter of time before you get caught…if you haven’t already.  Everyone knows that all jumpoffs get listed under an alias name. This is a precautionary technique in case your partner ever sees them calling you and decides to question you about their identity. A normal but not true name makes it easier for you to fake a quick story about them being your uncle’s cousin’s sister’s husbands’s stepchild, or a new co-woker.

2. Do not take them to the same places you take your boy or girlfriend

Local movie theaters, restaurants and malls are out of the question when taking your fling outside the bedroom and into the streets. If you know your significant other is a frequent visitor of T.G.I. Fridays, it makes no sense to take your jumpoff there.  If you find that there is a dire need for your and sidepiece to visit this particular restaurant chain, I recommend that you only visit franchises over 75 miles away…..and in disguise, of course.

 3. Avoid loud late night conversations

Usually, late night conversations are the norm when cheating. It makes the most sense to talk to your sidepiece when your significant other is snoring. However, while talking dirty in the bathroom, keep the moaning and groaning to a minimum. There is a strong chance your partner is hearing every word that comes out of your mouth on the other side of the door. So take it back to your kindergarden days and use your inside voice. The morning will be much more pleasant this way.

4. Do not bring your jumpoff to your house.

If you and your partner live together or have exchanged keys, then it’s in your best interest never to tell your sidepiece where you live, let alone bring them to your house. Your boyfriend or girlfriend, respectively, can easily walk in on you getting busy. It happens, and you can’t deny it like Shaggy. Even he had a hard time saying “It wasn’t me.” Instead, your play session will probably end up with someone going to the hospital or someone going to jail…..quite possibly even both. Along with this obvious scenario, it’s best to keep your address a mystery. If your side relationship goes south, after they go all fatal attraction on your car, your house will be next…followed by your rabbit, Fernando.

5. Do Not Use the Same M.O

 

You started out “working late, which turned into all nighters followed by last minute weekend trips to entertain “clients”. After discovering that your saturday meeting with was really a booty call your significant other questions your every move. If you’re first attempt at a side relationship went down the drain and you’re attempting to find girlfriend or boyfriend #2…..again, change up your mode of operation.  If you start the same old routine, you will get caught and hell hath no fury like a twice scorned lover.  Switch it up so that once late night calls turn into early morning ones or weekend booty calls turn into scheduled office quickies. So listen to the creepy lady at the typewriter and don’t be afraid of change.

I guarantee that if you follow these five rules, the odds of you being visited by Joey Greco and the Cheaters camera crews are slim to none. However, just because you now know the basics does not mean you are the master playa. There is an advanced class to this subject. I just know nothing about it. Im pretty sure Arnold Swarchenegger could teach you a thing or two, but his ass got caught too.

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Boston UniversitySex and Relationships

4 Signs You Might Be A Gigolo

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Gigolo [jig-oh-lo] (n.)  You may remember this word from the ever popular movie Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and its lackluster sequel. The French derived word is commonly used to define a man receiving financial support from a woman in exchange for that good good. Ladies, don’t think you are exempt from this completely ethical and legal way to support yourself. MTV exploited you when True Life: I’m a Sugar Baby premiered. Gigolo, Sugar Baby, Prostitute, whatever you want to call it, remember that this is NOT a relationship, but more of a mutual agreement. However, if you’re unsure about whether that Cartier watch you received was a gift or your salary for the week. Here are 4 signs to look for.

 

 1. Your Significant Other is At Least 7 Years Older Than You.

It’s typically older, more established people looking to relive their youth, that indulge in the services of a gigolo. They want to feel the spunk and energy, they used to have pre-menopause. And what near senior citizen isn’t checking for that young twenty-something year old? Your partner could have easily approached you with  “Im drawn to your intelligence and maturity.” but in reality they spotted your tight ass and wrinkle free skin and had to get a piece. So if your friends and family are frowning at your grey-haired, arthritis-ridden lover, take into account that age is a little more than a number.

 

2.You Do All The Work During Sex

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Missionary, Doggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl you do it all, but your partner just lays there. It would be understandable if they were disinterested in the sex or not attracted to you, but that fact that they want to go at it (sort of) all day every day tells you otherwise. Any type of sex enhancement pill should be a red flag! Your partner is probably out of touch with their sexual needs and desires and therefore relies on you to bring the heat. If  your abs of steal have appeared courtesy of your nightly “cardio workout”, thank your client—  I mean lover.

 

3. You Receive Ridiculously Expensive Payments Gifts

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You just received an all expenses paid trip to Cabo in a private jet. No you didn’t win big on Wheel of Fortune. Your significant other shelled out cold hard cash for your and your friends to get chocolate wasted in a foreign country. But, it’s not your birthday, anniversary, Christmas, or Valentines Day…..so what’s the occasion? Afraid that you might hurt yourself from thinking about it any harder, Ill give you a hint. There is NO OCCASION! These so called gifts come included in the contract that is your relationship. You put it down in the bedroom, they provide you with all the financial support you need. If you work hard enough, you can go to college for free! Not that I would know anything about it.  (clears throat).

 

4.You Go On Boring Dates

Its never a matter of what you want to do. Dates always consist of boring shit that can put you to sleep in minutes. You can’t count how many times you’ve had to accompany your partner to the ballet, opera, or ballroom dancing. When you’re partner decides to shake things up a bit, you go to see a (wait for it) silent movie. As a gigolo, you serve as an escort that always provides the client with a happy ending.  So when you start singing along to Carmen, the opera. I think its pretty clear what your job is.

 

Hopefully these 4 signs cleared up any confusion you had about your role in your “relationship” Gigolos and Sugar Babies are all the rage these days so don’t feel ashamed if you are apart of this growing population of young men and women. Just know that this “occupation” has a lifespan of about 5-10 years depending on how you age so if you’re already seeing signs of wrinkles or gray hairs, it’s probably time to throw in the towel.

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