If life were like a Disney movie, I wouldn’t be a college graduate who is still looking for a job while living with her two over-bearing roommates (er, Mom and Dad). I would be singing catchy songs with easy-to-learn choruses, brushing my long flowing blonde locks, and smooching my prince who just so happens to have a perfectly chiseled jaw and sculpted biceps all by the time I was 18.
Life isn’t a fairytale though, and that guy you met last weekend at Happy Hour sure as hell wasn’t your prince charming. If Disney were real, most women would be fawning after a man who is certainly not my idea of a Prince Charming, just because he’s rich and has a smile so white it blinds you doesn’t mean he can make you laugh or turn you on. Disney’s unrealistic take on love and relationships has skewed many girls’ perceptions on what makes a good boyfriend and what exactly love is.
For instance, Ariel, everyone’s favorite mermaid, sees her prince charming from afar aboard a ship and realizes he’s the one she’s been looking for. Wow, that was quick! Ariel then goes on to sing songs about how she wishes she had two feet so she could be “a part of that world”. All Ariel needs to do to get the guy is change her whole life and body (literally). Now this sure as hell would put a damper on finding a boyfriend, especially when you don’t even have lady parts. Ariel then becomes a human, with the help of Ursula, and goes on to fall in love with Eric while lying to him the entire time about her true identity. Ultimately, Ariel goes on to leave her whole family under the sea to be with a guy she barely knows. In the real world this would probably end up with a messy fight over who gets custody of Sebastian, a lease that has to be broken prematurely due to arguments over the extremely high water bill, and a broken heart.
Moving on to Jasmine, who is actually a real princess who lives in a castle, has a pet tiger, and a body that rivals Heidi Klum. Jasmine has everything going for her, but she can’t get outside the castle walls to live her own life, and that’s all she really wants. Enter Aladdin, a poor thieving beggar, who sweeps Jasmine off her feet and takes her on a magic carpet ride. The carpet ride seals the deal for her and after that they are in love. In real life, any carpet ride I’ve heard of usually ends with brush burns on your elbows and knees, but in Disney land there’s no bruising or bleeding or faking an orgasm: it’s all song and dance and perfect harmonies. Jasmine, what are you thinking girl? A guy who has no job, no money, and no place to live isn’t the man of your dreams. He’s a guy with abandonment issues who will never pay the bill.
And lastly, my favorite princess who also happens to be the most dumb, Belle. Belle is a “smart girl” who always has her nose in a book and doesn’t have time for guys. Gaston, the sexiest meathead in town, wants to make Belle his wife but she’s having none of it. The story progresses, and Belle ends up at the castle with the Beast, a man whose been cursed to look that way because he’s so into himself. At first, Belle has her wits about her and is terrified of this hairy creature with fangs but then her heart opens up and she gets to know him. They fall in love, the curse breaks, they live happily ever after. Now I’ve seen some of my hot girlfriends date guys who resemble the Beast, but they were actually human. C’mon Belle, this isn’t love, it’s bestiality! This guy lives alone, talks to dishware, and spends all his time looking at a rose…not exactly a dream guy. And, you never want to date someone that could potentially eat you if you get into a fight.
It’s obvious that Disney didn’t think twice about letting their female leads fall in love with thieves, beasts, and princes who are cheating on their soon-to-be wives. In Disney movies, true love always wins and it doesn’t matter if you leave your entire world behind for a rich guy who makes you change everything about yourself to fall in love with him! Thank you Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about life, love, and relationships. You’ve basically taught me that I won’t be happy until I find a man to settle down with. And on that note, I’m still waiting for my prince charming.