Remember less than a year ago when Four Loko had to bring down its caffeine content by a shit ton? Yeah, that kinda sucked, but the fruity alcoholic beverage still gets you tweaking, so no harm no foul. But now the FTC is requiring some new adjustments to the product, and while I don’t think some of the information is accurate, it might work out for the better.
According to the FTC, one 23.5-oz Four Loko, at 11-12% alcohol content, contains about as much alcohol as 4 or 5 12-oz cans of beer – wait, what beer is the FTC drinking? Miller Ultra Light? I don’t think I’ve ever drank a beer with a 3% alcohol content. So now, Four Loko will have to put that information directly on its label: “This can has as much alcohol as 4 regular (12 oz. 5 percent alc/vol) beers.”
This will undoubtedly be completely counterproductive. New underage drinkers with no previous knowledge of Four Loko and its unique power to get teenagers shitfaced will flock to 7-Elevens and get mad cans of “that stuff that’s as powerful as 4 beers and tastes like watermelon.” These guys seriously jumped the gun on this one.
Wait, did I say cans? Turns out they’re changing that, too. To resealable containers. And that’s the good part. Because too many times I’ve gotten halfway through my 3rd Four Loko just to figure out that I’m definitely getting real drunk, real fast. I’d throw the can in the fridge and more than likely finish it up later that night, but in the rare case it survived until the next day – well, let’s just say that totally flat Four Loko isn’t the same.
Expect these new bottles in late Spring, but pay no heed to the warning, because any seasoned drinker knows that the math just doesn’t add up.