If you own a television and have turned it on in the last few months, you have seen trailers for the upcoming horror film, The Roommate, in which a college student is paired with an obsessive stalker of a roommate.
Unfortunately, despite the implausibility of the events that happen in the trailer, the situation itself is not all that rare. Colleges are filled with countless students and countless personalities. There are the whores, the nerds, the stalkers… so many people you don’t wish to associate with but may be forced to share a tiny room with for an entire year. Your roommate probably won’t be so desperate for attention where they kill all of your friends in an attempt to have you all to themselves…but they can still be clingy or annoying as hell. So here are a few tips on getting your roommate out of your room…hopefully for good.
Attack of the Snooze Button
Nice roommates immediately wake up and turn their alarm clock off when it goes off in the morning in order to not wake their roommate who is obviously sleeping just a few feet away. But there aren’t any rules that say you have to be a nice roommate. Enter the wonderful creation of the snooze button. Alarm goes off, press the snooze button. Alarm goes off five minutes later, press the snooze button again. Repeat for an hour. This works best on days when you have to get up early for class or an internship, and your roommate was hoping for a chance to sleep in.
Turn Your Room Into Your Personal Gym
Buy yourself a full gym: some hand weights, a yoga mat, maybe an Ab Lounge… just get a ton of exercise equipment. Then use it. Your workout sessions will take up the majority of your incredibly small room, forcing your roommate out. Feel free to really enjoy yourself, too – blast music from your iPod speakers, make noise, etc. Your RA definitely isn’t going to yell at you for trying to stay in shape, so there’s nothing your roommate can do to stop you.
Undies in the Sheets
Go to Target and buy a ton of cheap underwear for the opposite sex (or the same sex if that’s what you’re into). Every few days, throw a pair of underwear in your roommates’ sheets. When they angrily ask you what the underpants are doing there, act oblivious. There is nothing more disgusting than thinking strangers are fucking in your bed.
Endless Phone Calls
Some roommates are nice enough to take their phone calls outside of the room…don’t be that person. Always take your phone calls in your room. Douche move, yes, but imagine how great your room will be when you have it all to yourself. When was the last time you talked to your high school friends? Give them a buzz. Want to see how Grandma’s doing? Go ahead and call. You can stay in touch with everyone back home and piss off your roomie at the same time. Better yet, do it with a hook-up, phone sex is guaranteed to make them real uncomfortable.
Some of these tips will make your roommate want to kill you, so cross your fingers and hope your college didn’t accept anyone with sociopathic tendencies. Be aware, however, that these tricks can work both ways. Your roommate may use them to try to make you move out. After all, single dorms are expensive, and having a double to yourself is pretty much the sweetest thing ever. So if you catch your roomie using any of these tricks, prepare for an all-out war. You’re going to be in for quite an interesting year.