You arrive at her apartment at 8 p.m., she finally got into your car at 8:15 because she “had to look her best” (and if this is her best, than you will be downright frightened at what this wildebeest will look like in the morning), you take her to your favorite Italian restaurant but she is allergic to everything on the menu except for the $40 Lobster Ravioli “special” that certainly will not be enough to fill her insatiable appetite for expensive entrées. Is this starting to sound familiar? Well, for anybody who is a seasoned veteran of the dating scene, the above scenario has played out all too many times in your career and you have probably failed to nip the shitty date in the bud before it blossoms into a man-eating Venus Flytrap of a relationship. Some of these situations are unavoidable as a friend will set you up on a blind date and once you meet the broad you will wish two things: death upon your lying son of a bitch friend who promised she was attractive and you’ll pray that you actually were blind so you wouldn’t need to look across the table at this heinous woman downing $18 per glass wine like Pat Ewing drinking Gatorade in overtime.
But looks aren’t everything. Some dates just don’t work out because people are not compatible. Maybe there is some asparagus in her teeth (although I always found that kind of hot), perhaps every joke you make goes way over her head and she is a tougher crowd than Saturday night at The Apollo, or just maybe she is the snake to your mongoose or the mongoose to your snake. Either way it’s bad and you gotta hightail it outta there before shit gets weird. Nothing cushions the blow of rejection quite like some good-natured humor, so take a page out of The Campus Socialite’s book and apply the first of our proven, hilarious ways to end a nightmarish date.
Employ A Wingman to Purposely Cockblock You
Wingman and cockblock, two roles that have about as much chemistry as J-Lo and Ben Affleck in Gigli (perhaps that was a poor reference as nobody saw that disaster), however they can work together like yin and yang when it comes to wrecking a bad date. In fact, in the model I am about to lay out, the wingman is the cockblock. Do not adjust your monitor, yes, I am actually suggesting that you hire your trusted buddy, the man who has taken down more fatties than Bob Marley just to hook you up with a dime, to keep a woman from getting to you and potentially to your junk.
Here’s how it should go down. Have a prewritten text saved in your phone and addressed to your wingmanning cockblock. The contents of the text is unimportant as long as it alerts your pal to spring into action and come apply the band-aid over the shotgun wound that is your first date. The messages I prefer to send are “Geronimo!” (Rex Ryan’s play call for an all out goal line stand blitz) and “Where is Greydenko?!” (a tribute to Jack Bauer’s “yell until they give-in” torture method). Once the date has hit the point of no return – ideally before any major dishes are ordered or at least before dessert – press send on the emergency text and get your friend to haul ass to the restaurant. If your boy is a really good wingman, he will wait outside in the car to make a quick entrance and keep you from enduring even a minute more of this hag’s voice, which by this point appears to be giving you some sort of skin rash.
Once in the field of play, your cockblocker becomes the major player in this twisted game as he holds all the cards. His role is to just mortify the hell out of your date to the point where she will not only want to leave, but she will walk home alone for 15 miles just to make sure she never needs to be in your presence again. Nothing is out of bounds when it comes to what your wingman wants to discuss, but suggested starting points are sexual exploits with other women and information on your ex-girlfriends.
Picture this, your friend enters the restaurant, walks by your table in a fake effort to find the bathroom, mocks surprise when he sees you and then immediately opens with a “Hey dude, I ran into your slutty ex, “Backdoor Sally,” down at the Roxbury the other night. Man she still looks like she can take six dicks between those fun bags. Don’t you miss getting behind that steed and riding her like Secretariat at Churchill Downs?” If your poor date hasn’t already vomited her meal up in her mouth, she will as soon as you reply with a casual “Yeah dude, but I’ve moved on to better things, I’m pretty sure this new girl over here… (ask her for her named again)… does anal and I don’t plan on taking too long to find out if the rumors are true.”
By this point, if there isn’t a large, female shaped hole in the wall where your date just bolted out of the restaurant, then you have a real freakzilla on your hands and she probably has lower self-esteem than Courtney Love. 99 times out of 100, the wingman/cockblock works like a charm, so use it with confidence… and make sure that your date doesn’t know any other girls that you are looking to bang because it will not leave you with a pristine reputation.
Drop by The Campus Socialite on Friday for another vulgar, inappropriate, and funny way to ditch your date.