Comedy Central strikes again and has put out a statement this morning that their next roast victim will be none other then everyone’s favorite drug addict Charlie Sheen. The roast airs on September 19 (same night as the new Two and a Half Men premiere) and is guaranteed to be a better showing then the past two roasts of Donald Trump and David Hasselhoff. I figured if a few drunk comedians can have a night filled with laughs at the expense of Sheen, I should have the same opportunity. No amount of blow or hookers is going to save Sheen in this situation…let’s see how far his tiger blood takes him.
After taking over the media for a good month, we really haven’t heard to much out of the Sheen camp. My goal is to bring back the “Wild Thing” Ricky Vaughn and turn Sheen back into the animal he used to be. Sure he’s known throughout the world as the guy who loves the smell of cocaine and beat up porn star slime caves but Sheen was much cooler in the 80’s and 90’s. Dude was straight badass, you knew his life was an absolute shitshow and didn’t have to hear about it from Barbara Walters…true Campus Socialite status.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
This one was really just too easy and might be one of my best techniques in a long time. Guy likes snorting things so I’ll give him what he wants, naturally I called this Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Just like a great chef I too need a recipe to follow and pass on to future brothers of TCS, my night for Sheen includes:
-Box of colored straws (make sure there are seven different colors)
– 7 Solo cups
– Garlic Powder
– Red Pepper Flakes
– Onion Powder
– Fun Dip
– Protein Powder
– Crushed up laxatives
All of these ingredients can be found at your local frat house and are made for consumption, probably not by snorting but we’ll let it slide this time. Fill each cup with a different ingredient and colored straw just to make sure Sheen has no idea what he’s actually in for. Between the kitchen spices, gym supplements, and colon cleaners, the Wild Thing will be back in no time, but might have to change his pants before banging his next chick with daddy issues.