Campus Socialites welcome back to everyone’s favorite weekly column “Hazing A Celebrity” with yours truly TRS. This week I really couldn’t decide who I wanted to haze until I saw the videos this morning circulating around of the original Ruff Ryder, DMX. I used to listen to DMX growing up in the suburbs and really related to him as a twelve year old white kid…it was like his songs were written for me with classics like “For My Dogs”, “Dope Money” and “Weed, Hoes, Doe”. Nothing personal against X but think about how much street cred I would have once the semester started if I said this summer I kicked it at the beach, banged seven new chicks, caught a blowie in an ice cream truck and hazed the shit out of DMX. Pretty badass dude.
Get at me dog arfff arfff. DMX got some serious street cred after jail so he should be blowing up the charts pretty soon right? Wait a second…..you went to jail for what? Come on X you got sentenced to jail for a year on violating probation by drinking booze! Your like a freshman girl from BYU getting kicked out of school for drinking her first Mike’s Hard Lemonade before hitting up a Frat party. This is the man that made barking cool and now went to jail for sipping some henny. Time to get that reputation back X and the only way we see fit is to get hazed.
Kibbles and Bits
It’s only fitting that we treat DMX as he has wanted to be treated his entire life. Arfff Arfff where my dogs at? Lesson to be learned dry dog food expands when water is added, write that down. I’m bringing DMX down to the TCS basement and going to feed him a hearty portion of the finest Kibbles and Bits money can buy. Since you know he’s had a steady diet in jail of tube steak smothered in underwear, a few cans of wet food on the menu with lamb, chicken and sweet potatoes mixed with a bag of dry food should have X barking. My dog is going to be pretty pissed he’s having his dinner taken but well make an exception this time. Since we want to make sure DMX is full I’m going to have him wash down that delicious mixture of dog food with a gallon of warm water. Nothing like having your stomach filled with oversized dry dog pellets, a lovely mixture of wet dog food and enough warm water to cook a pot of soup.