By: Rock Comedian, We Walked The Mile
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There’s nothing I enjoy more than heading home for the holidays. Whether you celebrate Easter, Passover, or some other holiday that has nothing to do with Jesus or Moses, there is much to look forward to about going home to see your family. Here are a few of my favorite reasons why I stop everything I’m doing this time of year to spend some time with the people I love the most…
You wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t about to embark on a seven course, three-hour meal, which makes your college diet look like one of a homeless person. The Jews are kind of lucky; they get two breadless feasts each including four cups of wine. My advice: fill your wine glass high, drink entirely, and repeat four times. It makes matzo, gefilte fish, and not being able to use the bathroom for a week a little more enjoyable. Call me if you live outside the New York Tri-state area, and see Elijah drink your wine. He never seems to make it out of Long Island.
For you Christians, I hope you’re making your families proud celebrating Jesus’s crucifixion on Good Friday. And by celebrating his death, I mean toasting tequila shots with half-naked coeds while auditioning for a Girls Gone Wild DVD in a sun-filled, bikini-clad destination. That’s what I call a Good Friday! Should you make your way back home for Easter that fat ham or roast lamb in the center of the table should be the perfect Spring Break hangover cure. If you happen to see the Easter Bunny and have no siblings under the age of 10, you ate one too many mushrooms in Acapulco. Relax, you’ll be fine.
There’s no better feeling than when you’re sitting around the dining room table with 20 of your closest family members and friends, and your father (or mother) has to ask you that one question that you were praying he was going to forget this year: “So (insert your name here)…how’s school going?” You know the real answer… “It’s going great Dad! I’m drinking my face off, doing lots of drugs, meeting a new boyfriend/girlfriend every other night, and I haven’t done an ounce of schoolwork since freshman year. But you won’t know that until you see my transcript after I graduate this place with a 2.23 GPA, and it’s too late for you to say anything about it.” Instead, you pause. An uncomfortable silence fills the room, and you awkwardly reply, “School’s ummm good. I’m doing well in my classes and balancing work and you know…having a good time.” Well done kid, you’ve just given the perfect answer for Daddy to move onto your delinquent sibling. You’ve dodged a bullet another year…congrats!
If your family is anything like mine, they don’t consider you a roommate in their household anymore. Therefore, it’s okay to box up all those trophies that you won from just being a mediocre participant in a recreational sports league, all the pictures of you growing up in that wonderful neighborhood have been stripped from the walls, and that sports car bed that your feet have been dangling over since the 5th grade has been replaced by a queen-sized Tempur-pedic mattress. So you’ll have a comfortable sleep, but where the hell did your room go?!?
“Oh darling, I never told you? We turned your room into a guest room. Aunt “so and so” and Uncle “whoever” can’t sleep in your old bed when they come up from Florida to visit, and with you being out of the house so much, we felt it was time to make some changes,” says your mother. If your response doesn’t sound like Cartman from South Parks “But Maaaaaa—aaaaaaa,” then you didn’t have the same love for that sports car bed that I did.
So maybe you awkwardly fibbed to your parents about what’s really going on in college. Maybe you don’t have a room at home to call your own anymore. But remember what you do have when heading home for the holidays…one hell of a meal.
Rock Comedian We Walked The Mile has joined The Campus Socialite Media team! He’s spreading around colleges like herpes… so watch out for him coming to your campus real soon!
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