By: Rock Comedian Brian Smith
Follow Brian on Twitter and Facebook
Watch Brian Smith music videos here
I was flipping through the channels the other night when I came across a movie called The Devil Wears Nada. Being a horny young man, naturally I decided to watch. After a few minutes, I found it hard to believe softcore porn is even on TV anymore! Maybe it’s because I am comparing it to the plethora of free Internet porn sites such as youporn.com, youjizz.com, and redtube.com, that produce thousands of incredible sex videos daily. Nevertheless, I started to question how a billion dollar industry could continue to generate such terrible programming.
Let’s use some logic here. The only way you can view softcore porn on TV is through premium cable stations like Cinemax and Showtime. There’s also a good chance you have a computer with a viable Internet connection. Hell, I’d like to meet one male under the age of fifty that has premium cable but doesn’t own a computer. And if you do have a computer, I’m almost positive you aren’t using it to view soft-core porn.
Now, I’ll admit I’m pretty frickin lazy. There are several occasions where I don’t feel like getting out of bed and grabbing my laptop just so I can jerk off. The only move left is to grab the remote, turn to Cinemax On Demand, and proceed to choose from an awful array of soft-core films. But jerking off to softcore porn is extremely difficult. All you see is a girl with tits flopping up and down who clearly flunked her Playboy audition. No vaginas, no penetration, no oral. And to add insult to injury, the entire sex scene lasts maybe forty-five seconds! I have no problem finishing in forty-five seconds when a hot chick is riding me, but when I’m jerking off I like it to last at least two minutes, maybe three. Watching softcore porn never even gives me the chance.
To expand further, let’s run through the breakdown of a typical sex scene. Ten seconds of airtime is given to get naked, which is immediately followed by ten seconds of foreplay. Right after this is a whopping twenty seconds of sex. Of course, somehow in these twenty seconds they’ve already managed to demonstrate three sexual positions. After this is five seconds to make weird faces and noises, leading you to believe these porn people – they definitely can’t be called porn stars – have the same premature ejaculation problems as you! The only way to finish is by hitting rewind three times to go back to the beginning of the scene. However, do you really want to watch that awful display of pornography one more time? I didn’t think so.
Follow Rock Comedian Brian Smith on Facebook
Check out his videos on his new YouTube Channel
