The Strategic Guide to Beating A Traffic Ticket

jessica alba pulled over

Traffic tickets can be a major pain in the ass. Fine money, points on your license, and in some cases jail time. Lucky for you, if you handle it right, they don’t have to be. I am 21 years old and I’ve gotten more tickets than Enzo Ferrari. Through my years, and frequency of experience, I have grown to understand the system inside and out, and today I will share my wealth of knowledge with you Socialites! Let me make one thing clear though: I’m not talking about DWIs. If you got caught driving drunk, you are fucked, and you deserve to be. For almost everything else however, if you follow what I tell you, you can escape from the bowels of traffic court with nothing more than a scratch. Maybe even nothing at all.

You might be thinking “I’ve never gotten a traffic ticket, so what do I care?” You might be the best, most safe driver in the world. You count to three at stop signs, you measure car lengths when you’re behind someone, and you might lose a NASCAR race to Betty White. But if you drive, consistently, at some point in your life you will have to deal with a traffic ticket. This fact, although true for everyone, is overwhelmingly applicable to college students.

slaw and order, stabler and benson

You see, Cops for the most part are miserable people. They’re sad that their dreams of being Detective Stabler from Law and Order were slashed like a tire, and they are ready to make the still youthful  pay for it. I speak generally of course. I’ve met some nice cops, but if you’re young and in  a college town, they are looking for you.

I should say first that I’ve had a theory stirring in my head for some time that my ability to circumvent adversity has something to do with me. I’m a decent looking guy, no Brad Pitt, but I hold my own. I’m also very well spoken, and instinctively polite. But more so than that, I seem to have an aura about me that for some reason, makes people not want to give me a hard time. This one time at a bar, I literally pried a dude three times my size, off my girlfriend at the time’s back, by his polo shirt. The guy took one look at me, apologized, and offered to buy me a drink. True story. I don’t know why but people just tend to cut me slack.

I have given people advice before though, and it has worked. Regardless of any innate hypnotic abilities I may or may not have, I am confident that if you follow my comprehensive  list of tips, the damage to your wallet and/or license will be as minor as possible. Read up Socialites. You will thank me later.


oj simpson

Allow me to repeat myself: NEVER PLEAD GUILTY. What was that? No, Never. There is a huge misconception about pleas. This may sound illogical, but pleading not guilty does not mean you want a trial. Actually, it does mean that, but they aren’t going to give you a trial. They are going to reduce your ticket to something less serious, cheaper, and most importantly, something without points.

You see, putting you on trial costs them time and money. Make no mistake, the courts have no interest in holding you morally accountable for your heinous sin. That’s what Traffic God is for. They want your money, and they don’t want to spend their own money to get it. Even actual criminals very rarely get sentenced for the crime they committed. The courts are always willing to make a deal if it helps them avoid any effort, and in most cases you will get off with a smallish fine, and thankfully, no points. You do not want points.

2) Be Polite

be polite

Ever see Hot Fuzz? Cops write down everything. That way after they shoot the small minority child three times in the chest, they can show proof that they were sure his silver bracelet was a Chinese Throwing Star. They also remember everything, much like an elephant, although fatter and stupider. Yeah, unless you look like Megan Foxx, and are dressed like you just had brunch at the Playboy Mansion, you’re probably not getting away with no ticket. But still, when he gives you the ticket, be polite. Compliment his boots. Okay, don’t do that, but at least say thank you, and that you understand.

In smaller towns when you appear for court, the cop is going to be the one who offers you a plea. In other cases he may make a recommendation, or note on the ticket that you were respectful. You are much more likely to get a highly reduced sentence if you didn’t give the cop any grief. Note: nothing wrong with giving him the finger while his back is turned.

3) Dress Nice for Court

kobe bryant in court

I’m not saying wear a suit. Although it couldn’t hurt. Just wear something you would wear out on a date, or to your job at GameStop. This may seem like a given to some people, but you would be surprised how many people show up to court wearing their baseball hats and XXXL jerseys. Last time I was in court, I sat next to a guy wearing a fabulous ensemble consisting of a wife-beater, torn up Ecko jeans, complete with two tear drops tattooed under his eye. Let’s just say I got a little more slack than he did.

Above all else, you are making a statement that you respect the system, but another perk is that it shows inexperience. You can wear whatever you want to traffic court, but what do you know? Your only experience is watching professional athletes face rape charges on TV. Dress nice. It shows humility and a history of innocence. And if it makes you feel better, wear your circa 1992 “Fuck Tha Police” T-Shirt under your shirt.

4) Put it Off as Long as Possible

traffic ticket

It may not seem like it sometimes, but at some point during the 1700’s, a bunch of old white dudes came together to write a long document that actually protects your rights. One of these rights is to a trial…whenever that may be. If you want to reschedule your court date, 9 times out of 10 they will let you, and you should do this as many times as possible. Also thanks to those old white dudes, you also have the right to “face your accuser,” and what this means for you is that if the cop (i.e. Your Accuser) doesn’t show up, the ticket is automatically thrown out.

Cops transfer, and have their routes changed all the time. The longer you put court off, the better chance the cop will have moved and be unable to make it there to face you. Note: this is not applicable to big city areas because there you will have to face a DA, who will most certainly be there. They will still plea with you, but your ticket is not getting thrown out. If it is a small town though, reschedule that ticket, and reschedule it frequently. You may end up not having to pay a dime.

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