By: Wes Mantooth
The summer is coming to an end and fall is rapidly approaching. This means a few things: 1) I will very soon be a few hundred dollars poorer due to “bad investments” on Sportsbook.com 2) A brand new line-up of horrendous reality TV shows will premiere on all the major networks 3) College students will pack-up their belongings and get ready to return to the Nirvana that is college life – sort of like a fleet of alcoholic sparrows returning to their native environments after a winter in Mexico. Sort of.
The return to college will invariably reunite students with the most effective means of getting a lot of people drunk – the Kegger.
Everyone loves a good kegger, but, where there’s free beer there’s going to be throngs of people, and that means having to wait in keg lines that won’t allow you to get shit-faced enough to hook-up with the wildebeest that’s been eyeing you all night.
No worries, though, Wes Mantooth is here to tell you how you can beat the keg line to ensure another embarrassing morning with Ms./Mr. IfIWasSoberIWouldntFuckYouWithAStolenDick.
1) Blatant Lying
Calling “House” at a random kegger is great way to beat the line. Rarely will you run into someone who actually lives at the house standing around the keg pumping beer for everyone (at least in my fortuitous experiences).
Tip: Use a distinctive cup to distinguish yourself from the masses wielding red solo cups and add validity to your claim.
2) Buddy-ing Up
If you’re not already, make friends with the guy working the keg . If you’re friends with the man with the tap, you’ll have no problems hop-scotching the swarms of chumps hopelessly waiting for the nectar.
3) Extremely Attractive Women
Another instance in which knowing beautiful women is a tremendous asset in life. Simply hand your cup to your sexy friend and watch her work her magic. If you think Eva Mendes is waiting for beer at a kegger, your dumb as rocks, boy.
With these tips you’ll never wait for beer again. Live well and drink up friends.