We’re in the final throes of final exams, and chances are, you have a paper or two to write. Here is my fool-proof 10-step guide to writing a paper (or project, or article) you’ve been putting off until the very last minute—without resorting to prescription drugs.
1. Pump Yourself Up
The first step before tackling any long paper is extreme confidence. This means you have to get in the Zone. For example, blast “Eye of the Tiger” or the Chicago Bulls’ theme song so loud, even the RA at the end of the hall can feel the inspiration. Give yourself a pep talk in the mirror. Challenge an anemic person to arm-wrestle. Whatever works for you.
2. Caffeinate
This is crucial. You want enough caffeine to make you feel like you’re recording an audition tape for “Intervention,” but not so much that you need to take continuous bathroom breaks. Red Bull would be the most efficient caffeinated beverage of choice, except for the fact it tastes like alien pee. Instead, the right dosage can be achieved by three cups of strong black coffee, half a liter of Diet Coke, or approximately nineteen and a half Starbucks Frappucinos.
3. Stock up on Snacks
Now that you’re all jacked up on caffeine, it’s important to stock up with some quality study snacks before you sit down to write. If you don’t like the snacks in your room, then it’s completely acceptable to walk to the CVS across the street to go buy something else. And then remember you still have Rambler Bucks (or your university’s money system) on your card, and walk another two blocks to the campus grocery store. And if they only have Red Vines, walk another four blocks to the 7-11 for Twizzlers…
4. Bathroom Break
Now you’re finally ready to start writing…but first, you need to use the restroom. So get that out of the way.
5. Starting to Write
Okay, now it’s really time to get down to business. First, make sure you choose a font that takes up the most possible space without being obvious. I recommend “Curlz.” Extra-giant margins? Check. Quadruple-spaced? Check. Now it’s time to write your name, followed by your teacher’s name, and the date.
6. Facebook Break
Whew, you’ve made progress. Why not reward yourself with a little Facebook break? Clicking through a few pictures of your cousin’s ex-boyfriend’s friend’s ugly sweater party couldn’t hurt…
7. Organize Your Desk Space
Alright, now you’re ready to dive in. But it’s hard to focus when your desk is so cluttered with Twizzlers and used coffee mugs; it’s a good idea to straighten everything out and get your books opened to the right page…ah, that’s better. And since you’re already cleaning, the floor probably needs to be vacuumed. And your roommate’s hand lotion collection should really be arranged by flavor. And you’ve been meaning to swap out the batteries in the remote control…
8. Call Your Mom Back
You suddenly remember your mom left you a ten-minute long voicemail message yesterday that you haven’t listened to because, well, it’s a voicemail. You feel a well-deserved pang of filial guilt and decide to return her call. You answer her questions about your flight home, and then you start to talk about how much sleep you’re getting, and she tells you that her back is acting up again, and that she heard your Uncle Seamus got in another fight at a Christmas tree farm…I mean, she’s your mom. It’s not like you can just hang up on her!
9. Look at Your Notes Again
Before you really start typing away, you should refresh your memory and read through your notes a few more times. Or Google some articles online. And if you haven’t checked your e-mail in a while, it’s a good idea to check your inbox…
10. Take a Nap
Whoa, how is it 2 in the morning already? If the caffeine’s wearing off, it’s perfectly acceptable to take a quick power nap. So go ahead and curl up in your Snuggie. When you wake up you will definitely be ready to write a quality essay. Guaranteed.
