By Rock Comedian: We Walked The Mile
Unless you’ve been living in the South for the last six months, you’ve been hibernating like a fat, lazy, grizzly bear awaiting the arrival of spring. All that alcohol, late-night pizza, and ice cream you’ve been consuming has accumulated in that stomach of yours which now looks more like a mini keg than a six pack. If you’re anything like me, you loathe the gym, and would do anything at all costs to avoid it. But that beach house is calling your name this summer, and you want to look your best. Here are a few tips on how to look sexy in that brand new bikini or swimsuit while not changing your lifestyle one bit.
I’ve always said, “There’s no better workout than sex.” According to healthstatus.com, I’ve been right all along! For every hour of intercourse, you can burn upwards of 300 calories. Toss in the extra 100 calories you can trim with an hour of foreplay and be sure to repeat the entire process in the morning. For you minute men out there, take a few bong rips, pop a valium, get your girl on top for a “breather,” do whatever it takes to squeeze every second out of your bedroom experience. Thinking of baseball or your Grandmother are not thoughts that should cross your mind while that hot blonde is riding you until sunrise.
Of course I’m not going to sit here and tell you to give up drinking, nor am I going to tell you to drink less. What I will tell you is drink smart. If you’re a beer drinker, try drinking beers like Guiness and Amstel Light which have significantly less calories than other heavier beers such as Budweiser, Sam Adams, and Blue Moon. Plus, they taste better than your watery, light beers with similar calorie counts, and really are less filling. Should you prefer mixed drinks, order vodka, whiskey, or rum, but be sure hold the “mix.” The calories pile up from the sugary beverages that make your drink taste better, not from the alcohol itself. Try having vodka on the rocks with a few freshly squeezed limes or add club soda instead of Sprite. Of course you can always find the Russian in you and drink your liquors straight up or on the rocks.
As a Rock Comedian, I spend a lot of time on the road, in the studio, or filming my next video, so you can imagine what my diet consists of: fast foods, pizza, and take-out. While I crave a juicy T-bone steak or a seafood feast, I seldom have the time to cook or go out for a decent meal. The problem is, I eat too many Chipotle burritos, I hate salads, and as you’ll see below this article, sometimes I have to take off an article of clothing or two for a video or photo shoot. So what do I do to stay fit without having to run three miles per day or spend an hour at the gym? I eat less of course. I’m not “manorexic,” I love to eat! But I try to consume two meals per day instead of the recommended three. Your wallet will be the only thing getting fatter, and your drinking tolerance goes down with less calories in your diet!
Every morning you wake up is an opportunity to work out your core. Roll onto your back, cross your arms around your chest, and sit up. You have to wake up in the morning anyway; you might as well do 365 sit-ups per year in the process. Your abs won’t look like “The Situation’s” with this routine, but if you’re that narcissistic, you probably stopped reading this article a long time ago.
Once you’re out of bed, do a few standing stretches in the shower while soaping your lower body. Bend from your waist, soap your legs and feet without flexing your knees, and repeat on the opposite leg. This way, you’ll be nice and limber for that walk to the beach, class, or your office. By putting the car keys down or not taking public transportation, you’ll save money, help the environment, and cut pounds in the process. For every mile you walk, scratch off 100 calories! Don’t walk too fast though; you don’t want to get to your destination with sweat dripping down your forehead and a soaking wet shirt. You never know, you might meet a hot coed who’s ready to burn some calories with you after a long day.
Rock Comedian We Walked The Mile has joined The Campus Socialite Media team! He’s spreading around colleges like Herpes… So watch out for him coming to your campus real soon!
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