By: Rock Comedian, We Walked the Mile
A few years ago I was a freshman at college. I liked getting high, but didn’t smoke every day. A casual smoker, I mostly mooched weed off my friends, seldom purchasing any myself. When I did smoke, I’d only watch two movies: Half Baked and Zoolander. I assure you that these movies never got old. It was April 20th and everyone was talking about going to one of the glass shops to buy a piece. That was the day I met “Jimi The Bong”.
I walked into the shop with three friends way more poised to buy a new smoking device than I was. A small one and a half foot bong caught my attention in the upper right hand corner of the store. It was grouped with a bunch of other beautiful Jerome Baker Designs. I had no idea who or what “JBD” was at the time. What I did know was that I was walking out with that bong no matter how much it cost. It had a vibrant, smiley-faced sun at the exterior of the base, with flares and streaks of orange and yellow wrapped around its chamber. The inserted slide had a turquoise and blue bowl that gave the appearance of water under the sun. Throw in the ice-catcher in the chamber and I was sold. I got high and hard simultaneously just looking at the damn thing!
When I pulled it from the rack my friends were in awe. Of course, they knew I was paying for the bong with the money they just lost to me at a poker game the night before. The clerk even said in his best Jim Breuer voice, “yo man- you’re going to enjoy this one…man.” And enjoy it I did! I was getting high any time I got the chance. With finals just around the corner, I cared more about smoking myself silly than going to class.
After a week I decided it was time to name my bong (as most bong owners do). After getting stoned, I took a look at the beautiful exterior and it reminded me of the album artwork for Jimi Hendrix’s Axis: Bold As Love. Combining my love for music with Jimi’s incredible guitar playing, I decided to name my bong “Jimi”. Unfortunately, like Jimi Hendrix, “Jimi the Bong” died way too young.
I finished my freshman year with a whopping 2.85 GPA. I may have lost my academic scholarship, but I definitely didn’t lose my love for “Jimi”. During the summer I was smoking every night at my parents’ house after work. One night after a long shift waiting tables, I brought “Jimi” out to my backyard and got extremely high. I started to get the munchies, so I went to the kitchen and made myself a massive ice-cream sundae. For whatever reason, I had brought the TV remote from my room along with me. With my right hand, I held the most important object, the sundae. With my left hand, I held the second most important object when you’re baked, the remote. I tucked “Jimi” under my arm and headed upstairs. As I turned, “Jimi’s” base hit my kitchen table and was dislodged from my grasp. My bong fell to the floor and broke into thousands of tiny glass pieces. It was completely destroyed.
I was so high I tried to pick up the shattered pieces of glass in an effort to save poor “Jimi”. Not only did I fail, but I also started bleeding profusely from pieces getting stuck in my fingers. It took me years to finally muster up enough courage to take another bong hit.
In the end, I’ll never forget that fateful day when I bought “Jimi,” or my dad’s words as he was cleaning bong glass off the floor at 2:00 a.m. on a random Tuesday night. “Son”, he said, “I TOLD YOU TO GET A WOODEN ONE YOU MORON!!”
Happy 4/20!!
Rock Comedian We Walked The Mile has joined The Campus Socialite Media team! He’s spreading around colleges like herpes… So watch out for him coming to your campus real soon!
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