1:00 PM: The Press Conference commences.
1:00 PM: Name already outed. It’s called the iPhone 4S.
1:06 PM: Tim Cook says today’s press conference is about innovations in hardware and software. Yeah, we got that.
1:10 PM: New Shanghai Apple store saw 100,000 visitors on the first weekend. Great, on to the good stuff.
1:15 PM: 6 Million copies of Lion, Mac’s operating system sold in 2 weeks. Cool. iPhone stuff, please?
1:17 PM: iPod holds 78% of the MP3 player market share. Very cool. Kinda scary.
1:20 PM: iPhone 4 has reached the ranks of #1 Smartphone in the world. Tim Cook then proceeds to urinate on a plastic replica of the Android Robot. Figuratively.
1:23 PM: iPad stuff. Found in classrooms, blah blah. Cock-teasing at its finest.
1:25 PM: Scott Forstall, Vice President of iOS software takes the stage to talk about iOS.
1:30 PM: New Cards app will allow you to purchase greeting cards. Apple will print them with your photo and design. Cool?
1:34 PM: iOS 5! The iPhone’s operating system will now have a Notifications Center, iMessage (Chat?), Twitter Intergration (Awesome), Newsstand (now we’re getting somewhere), and a brand new Camera App. Announced before but still cool.
1:37 PM: Eddie Cue takes the stage to talk about iCloud. Now we’re getting somewhere.
1:39 PM: iOS 5 officially launched October 12th!
1:48 PM: Legitimize all your pirated music by uploading it to Apple’s iCloud. $24.99 per year. Fuck That Noise!
1:44 PM: HUGE! Find My Friends app allows you to see exactly where your friends are. Perfect for Frat Parties and Disney World, or tracking your girlfriend (just kidding, ladies).
1:42 PM: iTunes cloud will allow you to re-download purchased songs and store images and documents. Nothing new but till pretty cool.
1:52 PM: Pat Schiller takes the stage to talk about iPod stuff.
1:53 PM: iPod Touch will now run IOS 5 but some stuff will unfortunately be hindered because of the need for WiFi.
1:54 PM: 4S exactly the same as the 4 on the outside. Completely different inside: better graphics and 7X faster than iPhone 4.
2:00 PM: Gaming demo for Infinity Blade 2.
2:04 PM: Oh Shit! 8 hours of 3G talk time and 6 of browsing time. Data speed twice as fast. It’s called, wait for it, 4G.
2:06 PM: Brand new camera system. 8 megapixels and 73% more light per pixel allowed than iPhone 4. Backside illuminated sensor too, whatever that means.
2:10 PM: Face detection and way faster photos.
2:14 PM: 1080p Video Recording. You’ll be able to see the glimmer on you’re girlfriends right boob in your homemade videos.
2:16 PM: Getting interesting. Airplay Mirroring: Play iPhone games on your TV screen, wirelessly.
2:20 PM: This is what I was waiting for. Siri. It’s an intelligent assistant that gets anything you need done just by asking. Android has a similar function and this is Apple’s attempt at tre defeat. Watch as she stalks her prey.
2:21 PM: Speaker: “Do I need a rain coat today?” Siri: “Yes, it looks like rain.”
2:22 PM: Me: “Can I get a BJ?” Siri: I’ll try but I think you may be too big.” *exaggerated for dramatic effect
2:23 PM: Restaurant suggestions, text messages, wife call reminders, ok this thing does everything. Well played Apple.
2:25 PM: I just bought a 4, 2 months ago. My hopes for nothing big have been shattered.
2:27 PM: SCREEN SHOT TIME!
2:31 PM: Yep, Siri is iPhone 4s only. Curses.
2:36 PM: Prices: iPhone 4S: 16GB: $199, 32GB $299, 64GB $399 with 2 year contract
2:37 PM: AVAILABLE OCTOBER 14TH ON VERIZON, AT&T, AND SPRINT! Pre-orders start October 7th.