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By: Meatloaf

It would make sense to title this article How To Get Laid, but I’m not really good at that. Instead I will be explaining some things that will help you not get laid.


How Not To Get Laid – Burger King

Just because it has a royal name it doesn’t make it a classy place. I learned that the hard way, and it had crushing results. Yes you can eat like a Mafia Don for $3.26, but the ladies don’t like to be told to “get a small with refills because it is the same as getting a large…it just takes a little more energy.” What I got from my extensive research is that women don’t like to get their food on a blue tray or have the option of fries or onion rings. Here’s a tip: save the grease from the meal, you’ll probably need it for later.

How Not To Get Laid – Verbal Diarrhea

It may possibly turn out to be a funny story to tell your friends over a beer, while showing off the fresh black eye you just got. Don’t worry it happens to the best of us, even yours truly, Meatloaf, has had an epic slip up. I once brought a girl back to my house and within thirty minutes I was in the most awkward car ride of my life. How did this happen? Well, in the inebriated state I was in, I was trying to be cute and tell the girl how nervous I was to make the first move and the only thing that came out of my mouth was “I didn’t think it would be that easy to hook up with you.” Yes, I really said that. Read that last quote over again and over again until it sinks into your brain. Never utter those words. A girl doesn’t want to hear how easy she is. This scenario only ends in mutual tears, yours being the result of a fine mace to the face.

How Not To Get Laid – Don’t Bring Money

macho man

I once went to a bar and had this girl in the bag – we were going to leave right after one last drink. So I ordered the beers and the total came out to ten dollars, but I only had seven. I wasn’t going to lose my Rico Suave persona so I crumbled up the money and threw it on the bar. Handed her a beer and said: “let’s walk.” I glanced to my right and saw the bartender pissed and calling over a bouncer. I kept my cool and told the girl to walk away from me and to meet me outside. The bouncer approached very quickly so I walked briskly towards my best friend Goldie. As the bouncer wrapped his Randy “Macho Man” Savage sized arm around my neck I yelled to Goldie: “Papa Smurf, I’m in trouble!” Next thing I remember I’m sitting on the curb outside the bar. No girl wants to go home with a broke kid who just got choked out. When I fully came to she was long gone, and so was my belt. Awkward.

How Not To Get Laid – Tell The Truth

Women aren’t looking to hear a story about how you got fired from Starbucks and the items you stole as rightful retribution. Honestly, most of the times that I have gotten laid it has been because I told completely fabricated stories about my life. Any girl in the Tri-State area who thinks she has gotten down and dirty with the youngest ad executive for Google has just fallen for a clever lie. I’m just an unpaid intern for The Campus Socialite. Let this be lesson to all of you, no matter how much a girl wants an honest, good guy sometimes they just cant handle the truth.

With Warm Regards,


P.S. Shout out to Schoenman for the amazing job on the Meatloaf explains it all photo.

Tags : BouncerBurger KingDrunkget laidhow not to get laidLyingMaceMeatloafMoneynot get laidSlip Up

The author Meatloaf

Meatloaf is a music and technology enthusiast that tries to make it to as many festivals and concerts as possible.

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