It’s some weird mental block, but I can’t get over the fact that most of the games this weekend are being played on Saturday. I feel a little disoriented, kinda like Colt McCoy but probably better at my job. The scheduling works out, though, as I will get to gorge myself on football on Saturday and basketball on Sunday. I’m impossibly excited for this upcoming NBA season, which of course only sets me up to be disappointed. It’s inevitable, and I blame David Stern.
Texans at Colts
The Indianapolis Star has an article this week calling for Colts owner Jim Irsay to clean house, not just firing Caldwell (duh) but also GM Chris Polian. It sounds reactionary, but it’s true. You want Luck to succeed? You want a big name coach? Well guess what: He’s going to want to buy the groceries, and he would probably take that opportunity in St. Louis, Minnesota, KC or wherever before he would agree to be a puppet for the Polians. Ultimately, Cowher or Billick would choose having the hand in the puppet rather than having a hand up their ass.
Browns at Ravens
The Ravens are still the best team in the AFC. That’s less an endorsement of the Ravens and more a criticism of the AFC, but that defense is still that defense. If Flacco can play like Trent Dilfer, the Ravens have a good chance of repeating their fortunes from 2000.
Broncos at Bills
Ok, so that Patriots game was ugly. I will say this though: The Broncos lost, in part, because of fumbles and penalties and stupid mistakes. So, no, they aren’t ready to run with big boys because the big boys don’t make those mistakes. But it’s a young team (Chris Kuper and Willis McGahee are the only starters on offense with more than 5 years experience) and next off-season will be Timmy’s first full one as a starter. For the first time in a long time, this team has a bright future.
Raiders at Chiefs
The fucking Chiefs. Romeo fucking Crennell. Fuck. I’m not excited about this game if I’m anyone dressed in black and silver.
Cardinals at Bengals
With the Jets playing like absolute dogshit, the Bengals could absolutely make the playoffs in that last wild card spot. Just don’t punt to Patrick Peterson and they’ll be fine.
Vikings at Redskins
Is there any way this game can be misconstrued as interesting? It’s like two drunk kids trying to walk each other home. They have the same goal, but God, it just seems like neither of them have a chance.
Rams at Steelers
It’s Batch O’clock in Pittsburgh! It’s like the older, blacker, less mobile version of Tebow Time that no one cares about or wants.
Dolphins at Patriots
Reggie Bush is finally, finally, getting his shit together, it seems. Against the Patriots saran warp of a defense he could run for 300 if he runs like he did against the Bills. Still probably not enough since Brady can probably throw for 600 yards against the Miami D.
Giants at Jets
Giants win. Calling it right the fuck now. The Jets do not look like a playoff team. Eli is quietly dominating everyone who doesn’t play in our nation’s capital. The vaunted Jets’ defense looked horrible against a dynamic offense like the Eagles. The Giants’ offense can be just as dominant. Also, those dominant pass rushers are gonna keep Sanchez on the ground and throwing ugly passes right into Big Blue Hands.
Buccaneers at Panthers
The Panthers and Broncos combined record last year: 6-26. So far this year: 13-15, and I’m gonna guess they go a combined 3-1 for the rest of the season, giving them a 10 game turnaround. The teams that picked 1-2 in last year’s draft may both be picking out of the top 10 this year. This is not solely because of Cam Newton on Von Miller, but you cannot overstate the importance both of those players have had for their teams. They have imbued weak, listless units with a new level of virility and excitement, and both of these teams have incredibly bright future behind these stars. Last year’s draft is going to be looked back at as one of the best.
Jaguars at Titans
Can a man named Blaine really succeed as an NFL quarterback? I guess if a man named Barack Hussein Obama can be president of a country most populated by retards who still demand to see his birth certificate anything is possible, but this particular Blaine is not going to be a successful NFL quarterback.
Chargers at Lions
Yeah, the Chargers finally look good. But the Lions have looked good more or less all season, so get ready to kiss those playoff hope goodbye Philip Rivers. And let’s all prepare to say goodbye to Norv Turner. That sound you hear is the simultaneous cheers of every one in the city of San Diego.
Eagles at Cowboys
Do we really believe the Eagles have a chance? They’ve been so wildly inconsistent they make the Cowboys look downright steady. Still, if they are healthy and do finally get their shit together, it is a scary prospect for the Giants and Cowboys. Luckily, Philly fans no much better than to get their hopes up, because that was all meaningless conjecture and the Eagles will be at home in January.
49ers at Seahawks
The Seahawks/Cardinals unwillingness to die has been adorable and all, but SF already dropped that embarrassing one to Arizona a couple weeks ago and they still technically have a shot at the one seed. Sorry Marshawn, you ain’t gettin’ any Skittles this week, you fucking psycho.
Bears at Packers
It was a fluke. Stop acting like the Packers’ loss means anything. They are still the best team out there, and they were always beatable. Every team is beatable. That loss means as much as a loss in week 17 when none of the starters play past the first quarter means.
Falcons at Saints
Mike Smith’s balls-out fourth down attempt last time these teams met is still one of my favorite moments of this season not involving my Broncos. It was really perfect in every way except the execution, sort of like me in bed. Unfortunately, a good effort doesn’t make women orgasm and it doesn’t win football games, and the Saints are not going to let the Falcons win in the ironically named Mercedes Benz Superdome.