Like herpes, reality television isn’t going anywhere. It started with “Survivor” and the “Real World” has now managed to infiltrate our society to the nth degree. It bothers me to think people become famous just for being dramatic, but what can I do? Nothing, that’s what.
Reality Television is somehow becoming a well respected art form, with “The Jersey Shore” sometimes being compared to other semi-fictional books like In Cold Blood and the Bible. In a few years or so, I expect to see film adaptations of popular Reality Television Shows and other delicious, delicious trash. Here are a few films you might see in the next few years.
1. The Jersey Shore
This one doesn’t really need an introduction, but here it goes. “The Jersey Shore” is the most successful reality television show, perhaps in history, and the film adaption would be just as successful. It would star Matthew McConaughey as the often shirtless Situation. The role of Snookie would be played by the cuddly and fun-loving Danny DeVito, who will, through this role, catapult himself into the Hollywood stratosphere.
2. Teen Mom
“Teen Mom,” a must-watch MTV reality show, deals with moms who are both teenagers and functionally retarded. The show is pure television gold, as everyone who watches it loves their own life just a bit more, knowing they have not yet destroyed it. The film version would be directed by Sophia Coppola, and would only center around the rich teenage moms as they go through their rich teen mom problems (having their own house, figuring out how to spend their trust funds, giving their babies away to their Nannies) and would have very little dialogue or plot. Expect tons of people to say they love this movie without actually seeing it or understanding it.
3. 16 and Pregnant
The smelly twin sister of “Teen Mom,” “16 and Pregnant” showcases the lives of teens who are about to ruin their lives, opposed to teens who are living in a cesspool of sadness and remorse. The film adaptation would reunite indie heart throb Ellen Page with director Jason Reitman for a match made in terrible hipster matrimony. The film would be full of one liners and zingers, and would be ultimately forgettable, if not for an ending in which Page and her unborn baby die in a horrific accident. For me, it would be the only happy and acceptable ending.
“Hoarders” is one of the few reality television shows that has a semblance of tact to it. The film, though, would be a feel-good animated Pixar comedy starring Jonah Hill as a chubby rat stuck in the garbage within a hoarders house. He would be unable to escape for most of the film, but with the help of Ellen DeGeneres (a spunky cat), he would crawl through a hole and finally see the light. The movie would make five hundred million dollars, making it the fifth most successful Pixar movie.
5.Keeping up With the Kardashians
Keeping Up With the Kardashians” has a lot going for it. It features a really hot chick and her gross sisters who smell like poo. It’s a television show that demonstrates the influence money and beauty have on the lives of the viewing public, and shows off a great pair of asses. The Kardashian sisters, in the movie, would be played by another extremely famous celebrity family–the Baldwins. Alec Baldwin would play Kim, and the other Baldwins would play whoever, because nobody really cares about any of them anyway. The dude who played R2D2 would play Kim Kardashian’s ass.
6. Real Housewives of Wherever
I hate the “Real Housewives” series. I hate it because the women are selfish, insane, and irresponsible. If they were men I would love it, but sadly, no one has tapped into the market with a series about spoiled stay-at-home dads. The movie version of this series would star, in every major role, Lindsay Lohan.
Lohan, through Parent Trap technology, would digitally play all of the housewives and act against herself in every scene. Roger Epert will say (through the side of his face) it was the role Lohan was born to play, and will probably play it again and again until she dies alone in a jail cell somewhere in California.
7. The Bachelor
“The Bachelor” is an oldie and a goody. One lucky man gets to pick his bride from a ton of shallow blond chicks who only likes him because they have to. The rules are changed in the film version when Michael Moore plays himself as the first bachelor with a 72-sized waist. The movie, which is a pseudo-documentary, follows Moore as he cries himself to sleep after all the women leave the house to escape his smell.
8. True Life
“True Life” has been around forever and I don’t want to waste words talking about it. The True Life movie puts an original spin on the tired MTV documentary format. Ryan Gosling plays a camera man following Michael Moore during his stay in “The Bachelor” house. At first, Gosling hates Moore, mostly for his voice and his smell, but he eventually learns to love him and the two share a bombastic sexual tryst for the cinematic ages. It becomes the new favorite movie of teenage girls everywhere, replacing both Mean Girls and The Notebook. Moore later goes to star in remakes of both.