This week in the NFL saw continuation of some of the same stories of week one such as “Who the fuck is Ryan Fitzpatrick?”, “When did Rex Grossman learn how to throw a football to his teammates rather than his opponents?” and “Is Tony Dungy anorexic?” The season is just two weeks old but trends are already starting to develop and we are beginning to get a shadow of an idea of how the season might play out. Or not. Who the fuck knows? Allow me to pretend I do:
Lions 48, Chiefs 3
The Chiefs continue to be a means to an end for their opponent: Through the Chiefs’ shittiness, the Bills and now the Lions have reached 2-0 and both are sexy playoff picks. I’m here to say that it is not so much that the Lions or Bills are good, but the Cheifs are a fucking abortion of a football team. Oh and Jamaal Charles is an overrated bitch. Sorry to those of you who bought they hype and drafted him to your fantasy team in the first round.
Browns 27, Colts 19
I know I’m not alone when I say that the Colts’ suffering gives me about 60% of an erection. Every time the cameras cut to Peyton’s sad face on the sidelines I am so overwhelmed by schadenfreude that I almost pass out from all the blood rushing from my head to my cock.
Jets 32, Jaguars 3
Listen Sancho, your defense isn’t gonna carry you to victories all season. You better start playing like a real QB and not, well, yourself. Rex Ryan will not hesitate to send your ass back to the register at Wal-Mart.
Steelers 24, Seahawks 0
Mike Tomlin continues to be an absolute badass. In his post-game conference he was still pissed about losing to the Ravens. Over/under on age Tomlin dies from obscenely high blood pressure: 41
Redskins 22, Cardinals, 21
Is Sexy Rexy back? It’s tempting to say so, but let’s wait for him to face a more formidable opponent and see if he still treats them like a Georgetown co-ed and we’ll know for sure.
Packers 30, Panthers 23
Grossman may still be a question mark, but young Cameron Newton is not. He will put his balls in your face, figuratively. Well, literally if you’re Steve Smith. I also guarantee you that every analyst you watch this week will be making some sort of joke comparing the Packers defense to Swiss cheese. Oh, I get it! They wear it on their head! That’s so fucking clever Boomer, you fat piece of shit.
Buccaneers 24, Vikings 20
I wish Rex Ryan ended up coaching Tampa because you KNOW he would always refer to his team as the “Fuckaneers.”
Titans, 26, Ravens 13
I’m beginning to worry that Joe Flacco’s eyebrows are actually getting in the way of him seeing the field. Maybe it’s time to pay a visit to your local waxer. And bring Ray Rice, so he can get that Brazilian he desperately needs.
Saints 30, Bears, 13
There’s the Jay Cutler we know and love! That is to say, flat on his ass and looking up at the sky.
Bills 38, Raiders 35
People are still calling the Bills a surprise, but I wouldn’t give them too much credit. They plastered the Chiefs but they could barely pull out a W over the hapless Raiders. Play a team outside of the AFC worst and then we’ll talk.
Cowboys 27, 49ers 24
When did Tony Romo actually grow a pair? Coming back after a broken rib (and a punctured lung, as revealed later) to lead your team to a victory? That doesn’t sound like the Tony Romo I know and hate, but hey, maybe this is the year his testicles finally dropped and he starts playing like a real QB. Or he’s just lucky that it was the 49ers and not an NFL team that he was playing.
Patriots 35, Chargers 21
VINCE WILFORK’S INTERCEPTION. VINCE WILFORK’S FUCKING INTERCEPTION. LOOK AT THAT FAT FUCK RUN. That is all that matters about this game.
Broncos 24, Bengals 22
Full disclosure: I am a Broncos fan, so every week I’m going to use their game to spread false rumors about Tim Tebow. Did you Tim Tebow has never masturbated? Oh, that’s actually probably true. What a douche. Jack off once and a while and you might be sitting behind Brady Quinn on the depth chart.
Texans 23, Dolphins 13
I actually like the Texans’ chances this year. They’ve been playing this well without Arian Foster at full strength, so I’d be scared if I was an opponent that had to face them when he’s full strength. No jokes here, the Texans are actually a good fucking team. Now watch them go 8-8 again.
Falcons 35, Eagles 31
With Vince Young already out, Mike Vick’s concussion paved the way for third stringer Mike Kafka to play his first career game. He impressed everyone by not turning into a bug at any point throughout the game.
Giants 28, Rams 16
Apparently Sam Bradford is taking lessons at the Mark Sanchez School of Quarterbacking. Here’s an important part of that you missed Sam: When you’re throwing away any chance your offense has at scoring, you’re supposed to have a defense that can back your ass up. I guess he missed a day or two of “Letting Revis Do All The Work-Ology.”