Sex and Relationships

The Poor Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

valentines day

So, you’re on your way to class, getting psyched for the weekend to start, and you happen to overhear some chicks talking about what wonderful things their boyfriends are getting them or have planned for Valentine’s Day…and it hits you. “Oh shiiiiit,” you think to yourself. You have totally forgotten that Valentine’s day is only a couple of days away and you know if you screw this up with your lady companion, then you won’t be screwing anything for a while. So, you proceed to dig in your pockets and act as though you are surprised when they’re lined only with lint balls. Conclusion: you are fucked. Well, maybe not totally fucked. Here is a list of things you can do that will ensure your woman is satisfied on V-Day (so she can then satisfy you). Your wallet will be pleased, too.


Construct Something

The key here is to be creative. Get your Shakespeare on. Make your own card with little personal messages or quote some romantic poetry. Really get into it. You can even jot down some cute inside jokes only you and her share. Women eat this kind of shit up. Just make sure it’s genuine and comes from the heart. This should definitely bring a smile to her face and it will save you about $4.99. This is recommended for fairly new couples or a casual hook-up. Almost certainly won’t fly with a relationship with a couple of years under its belt.

Corporate Conspiracy

This might be difficult to pull off on such short notice. But try to convince her that Valentine’s Day is just a day the corporate companies created to make millions, and that you don’t need one particular day to show her how much you love and appreciate her. I don’t know if I even buy that, but hey, it’s worth a shot. You will most likely need to suggest some sort of tempting alternative to go along with this. Possibly ordering take out, renting some romantic comedies or, better yet, streaming them through Netflix. Also, you could possibly play board games or just do something that you guys wouldn’t ordinarily do. I know it sounds pretty lame, but some women find these activities to be more thoughtful and more of a turn-on. More importantly, it will save you a bunch of headaches in the long run. Not to mention some dollar bills.


Celebrate Another Day

This idea somewhat falls under the corporate conspiracy theory. However, I would suggest celebrating Valentine’s Day on the 13th or the 15th of February, preferably the 15th. If you can’t convince her about the corporate conspiracy, then make up some excuse so you can go out on the 15th. Tell her you have to work on Valentine’s Day or that you would like to do something special for your mom. Say whatever is clever and gets you away for the night. This guarantees you will avoid paying a premium on everything from flowers to Valentine’s Day specials at restaurants. Furthermore, you won’t have to deal with the long waits and crowds that can be quite annoying on that love-filled evening. Also, a big plus is, most stores mark their Valentine’s day merchandise down 75% off, so you can rack them up for cheap. You will be able to get her double the amount of presents, which should lead to some late night giving.


Staying in

When all else fails, suggest a quiet (maybe not so quiet, if you’re lucky) night at home or in the dorm. This is a classic move on the poor man’s guide. This has been passed down from generation to generation. This is where you really lay it on thick. Light some candles you borrowed from a friend. Put on that baby-making music you downloaded for free. Cook your girl her favorite dish if you can manage to without burning down your place. And from here, it’s up to you what you do. I’m just here to lead you as close as I can to the water. Then you must decide how and when to drink it. Good luck men, and don’t disappoint me with going broke on this measly little one day debacle.

Just keep in mind that this poor man’s guide cannot be practiced every year consecutively. You will eventually be foiled and will need to do better. In short, you better start looking for a fucking job, man.

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