A British study said that some beloved food mascots such as Tony the Tiger and Coco the Monkey are contributing to childhood obesity. But they’re not the only mascots who seem capable of misdeeds. For example, take a look at just a few of these delinquents below and make sure not to turn your back on these deviants as they are just waiting for the right moment to strike your arteries.
Most Likely to: Get your child to wonder how delicious their own head must be
You’d expect a political figure in a major economic power like McDonaldland to be above reproach, but you’d be mistaken. Think about it. How does a lifelong criminal like the Hamburglar escape the law time and time again in a land where 90% of the populace is a food item themselves? Do you know the outrage that must be in every issue of the Daily Hamburgian? But for some reason the police force can’t wrangle the most incompetent (yet persistent) criminal of all time. Smells like corruption to me.
Plus how can you trust an adult dressed in a sash? Maybe a beauty pageant contestant. Or a guy dressed like a New Year’s baby. But anybody else…not so much.
Most Likely to: Be voiced by Jon Lovitz
I kind of feel bad for these two because they have it tough. Not only are people always chasing them around, trying to take a bite out of their skull, but they also depend upon eating miniature versions of themselves for sustenance. For example:
Now if those M&Ms would do that to their own people, imagine what they’d do to you as soon as you turn your back. Have you been roasted like a pig as two talking M&Ms wear Tiki masks and dance around you? Well, probably not because they’re not real, but still – it’d be a pretty cool visual, if not slightly uncomfortable for you. I think you’d be delicious though, if it’s any consolation.
Sells: KFC, Slaves
Most Likely to: Curse the day Lincoln was born; Drink mint juleps
Yes, I know what you’re thinking…if I can’t trust a slave owner-looking dapper dressed Southern man who fills my arteries with sweet fatty fried breading, who can I trust? It’s counterintuitive, yes, but take a look at this quote from a recent story about his much-discussed “secret recipe”:
Vials of the herbs and spices are also stored in the secret filing cabinet.
“The smell is overwhelming when you open it,” said one of two keepers of the recipe in an interview at company headquarters.
The recipe has been stashed at the company headquarters for decades, and for more than 20 years has been tucked away in a filing cabinet equipped with two combination locks. To reach the cabinet, the keepers of the recipe would first open up a vault and unlock three locks on a door that stood in front of the cabinet.
Others have tried to replicate the recipe, and occasionally someone claims to have found a copy of Sanders’ creation. The executive said none have come close, adding the actual recipe would include some surprises.
Secret cabinets, overwhelming smells, and something that would “surprise me?” Hmm, I don’t think I’d be putting a lot of stock in my long term health if I’m a KFC regular. On the plus side, rat droppings have a shelf life of 50 years, so their presence as a secret ingredient will only be inside of you until approximately the time Miley Cyrus becomes our first female President.
Sells: Domino’s Pizza
Most Likely to: Touch you inappropriately with one of those plastic tables in the middle of a pizza
The Noid was simply one confused individual. His job was to get people to buy pizzas, but he’d steal them or attempt to destroy them. Any mascot that has a slogan that explicitly tells me to avoid it should probably be kept out of my life. Check out his creative, albeit misguided, attempt at taking an innocent pizza’s life below:
But if he’s selling people pizzas, why would he be trying to steal or ruin them? Perhaps to get them to buy more pizza, in which case is pretty clever. But if he was just blowing it up in crazy ways for his deranged amusement, which seems more logical, then he just has issues.
Most Likely to: Make your child run headfirst into a wall in an attempt to break into a home and provide the tenants with delicious, diabetes-inducing nectar
It’s always been a guideline by which I live my life: Never swallow the bodily fluids of anyone who busts into your home. I had to learn that the hard way. Now far be it from me to say that a Dane Cook bit really speaks to my experience in life, but this clip pretty much sums up the poor logic associated with the Kool-Aid Man’s antics.
He may have good intentions, but I wouldn’t leave that living bowl of juice to tend to my children. They’d end up disoriented, sad and covered in red, viscous liquid. And while that would certainly prepare them for their future vocations as prostitute murderers, it still doesn’t seem like the best idea (I’d rather they learn that skill-set on the job).
Sells: Milk, I think
Most Likely to: Not make any sense. At all.
Don’t know who that little runt in the clip above is? Neither did I until I turned to the trusty folks at Wikipedia.
Apparently, Refrigerator Raider was part of an ad campaign by the American Dairy Council in the early 90s whose goal was, judging by the commercial, to lock your children in the refrigerator so that they get their daily dose of milk. And just like he left the cake and milk in the fridge, Refrigerator Raider made one appearance and disappeared, never to be seen again. But you just know he’s lurking out there, with his cyborg eyes, announcing his name to anyone within earshot.
Most Likely to: Introduce your child to intravenous cheese dust use
You look at Chester Cheetah and you know there is just something dark fueling his exuberant energy, unflinching speed and endurance and crazy schemes involving neon orange lunch snacks. I think “Family Guy” has painted Chester’s true colors with this clip.
All drug jokes aside, seriously, it’d probably be less messy to do mountains of blow like Al Pacino in Scarface than it would be to eat a full bag of Cheetos. It always struck me as near impossible to eat Cheetos without ending up looking like I completely shaved Garfield the Cat and used his fur as a beard. So not only was I eating myself into an early grave, but I looked like a complete slob afterwards. No feline with amazingly cool sunglasses should be able to persuade kids into such a sloppy fate. But look, he can dunk a basketball! I’m sold!
Check back in with us tomorrow as The Campus Socialite presents the 3 shadiest, least trustworthy food mascots terrorizing a grocery store near you. Shoppers beware!