Sage Advice from A College Town Bouncer: The Bedazzler

sage advice

I know I have been kind of dogging girls a lot in my past few articles, and it’s not that I’m wildly misogynistic, it’s just that girls are easier to make fun of (I mean, they can’t even be president for crying out loud). Ending my sentences with a preposition aside, most girls act like such retards at the bar that it’s hard for me to ignore. I digress though, because this article is strictly about guys (and some girls).

This Type of Guy Needs to be Naturally Selected

I try not to judge a book by its cover, but at the same time, I would never pick up a book that was covered in Rhinestones and Swarovski crystals. Mostly because I would assume those books were how-to guides on how to fit cucumbers up your ass.

new moon cover
How to Fit Cucumbers in Your Ass: Part II

Far be it from me to give any type of fashion advice, because I am not exactly what you would call a fashionista. I’m more or a jeans and t-shirt type of dude. But working at the bar makes me more than qualified to have a sit-down discussion with men about the shirts they wear to the bar. Bedazzling. What in the fuck is up with people and wearing clothes that makes them look like an 11-year old girl designed their shirt at a slumber party? The bedazzled shirt is the worst thing to happen to the male population since skinny jeans and women’s suffrage.

Holy fuck. Skinny jeans, that’s a whole other article. Spoiler alert: I pray every night before bed that dudes who wear skinny jeans will eventually go the way of the Dodo Bird. The only thing worse than skinny hipsters wearing skinny jeans are the fat hipsters that wear them. Those guys’ legs are something that cannot be unseen and can be equated to overflowing cake icing funnels. And generally the girls who wear skinny jeans look like they are about one double cheeseburger away from upsetting the Earth’s rotational axis.


I get so happy I could shit a rainbow when girls talk about how damaged guys look when they walk into the bar wearing a button down shirt with a giant bedazzled cross design on the back. What I don’t understand, and what I’ll never understand is a rather fundamental question of: why? What is the rationale in wearing shirts that have silly designs that are supposed to look ‘badass’ that are outlined with some type of gemstone? It’s kind of like putting a leather jacket on Justin Bieber: no matter how badass the jacket is, what’s underneath it is still lame. It’s an article of clothing like this that keeps people looking at past pictures and thinking “what the fuck was I thinking?” I could eat pounds of cotton and shit out better looking shirts. Clothes like this may possibly be the worst products ever invented.

Well, it’s a close second anyway.

The guys who generally wear this type of fabric abortion are the type of guys who think they can eat rocks and shit gunpowder. The time spent on the interactions I have had with these guys would be better served punching myself in the dick. I don’t know if you are required to have some type of learning disability in order to buy one of these shirts, but it would seem that they test for that sort of thing. For example, the last time I spoke to a male in a deep-v with bedazzling (two strikes, already), our conversation ranged from a myriad of topics that included “how horny I am”, “how those bitches are looking at me”, and “how the guys those bitches were with were big pussies”. It was a little like sitting in on a taping of “Meet the Press”.

Spongebob has a lot more in common with the Bedazzler than I imagined.

While most girls don’t like these type of guys, that very night, two girls at the bar actually got into an argument over who was going home with this guy. True story. You can kind of take that fact with a grain of salt considering watching those two trollops argue over this fuckhead could only be described as watching two hippos having a terroritial dispute. I don’t really think the guy cared which pound mound he took home, because if his taste in shirts was any indicator of his taste in women, he would take the most expensive, lowest quality girl, preferably if she was made by Cambodian children in a sweatshop.

michael jackson
The one and only time bedazzling has been acceptable.

It’s not all bad really, on the upside these clowns must have millions of reward points at the Buckle. I have a hard time making fun of people for wearing certain clothes, because hey, if it’s comfortable, you should wear it. In the same realm, Snuggies are really fucking comfortable, but I wouldn’t wear that out to the bar so I suppose fashion is based on a relative scale. The only advice I have is to take all of your clothes that have gemstones, rhinestones, or crystals, and set that shit on fire. Seems brash not to donate those clothes, but hobo’s have enough problems, the last thing they need to do is wear crystals that shine enough to draw more attention to just how poor and smelly they are.

Typo aside, I think you get the picture.
Tags : college town bouncerDouchebagsFashionhipsters