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college town bouncer

There’s a time in everyone’s life where you have to evaluate what you are good at, and more importantly, what you’re not so good at. It’s better to just admit you suck, but some people’s egos just cannot handle that kind of self-criticism (i.e. Jersey Shore). Everyone has a few strong, redeeming qualities (except every person on Jersey Shore). For example, I am pretty decent at writing – irrelevant to my major in college – articles, dick and fart jokes, and nearly all of the Romance Languages. I am very bad, however, at knitting, running marathons, and dancing (or really anything rhythm-related). So you know what I don’t do? Fucking knit, run a lot, or most importantly, dance in public. I’m white, therefore I have zero rhythm, and I’ve had 24 years to make peace with that. Trouble is, most people who come to the bar have not made peace with their similarly terrible dancing abilities. As a matter of fact, they have waged war.

the situationI do, however, wear shirts like this on the regular

Being in a bar on most weekends, you really get to see the scourge of the dancing community. If I knew jack shit about starting a website, I could become a millionaire by creating

Teach me how to douglasSpokesman for

Who knows though? Maybe it’s in your DNA to perform some sort of retarded mating dance to attract females or males, but for males, I’d say your dancing skills would repel them nine times out of ten. Girls, you have it easy, really. All you guys have to do is grind your ass up against a guy and, well, that’s about it. Guys, however, have to play a beat the clock game; they have to dance like a normal enough person, for a long enough time, to not make you want to report him to the proper authorities.

Getting greedyThis is called “getting greedy”


This video explains how 9 out of 10 guys look:


Here’s what I don’t understand: People try to excuse their shitty dancing by saying, “I don’t give a shit what people think of me.” This is, of course, complete and total bullshit. It is especially false for dudes. Like I stated earlier, guys are on the hunt for brand new vertical smile when they hit the club, so they obviously care, to some degree, what the surrounding girls think. Unfortunately, when you add alcohol into an already destructive equation  of guys and dancing, it usually goes down like this.

bad dancers What you think/see                                  What everyone else in the world sees

I spend most of my time in the back of the bar zoning out, and trying to think about literally anything other than my surroundings. Have you ever done that thing where you are standing or sitting somewhere you have no interest in being, and it’s almost as if your brain completely shuts down? When you finally come to, you honestly have no idea how long it’s been? That happens to me a lot. However, when I am not zoning out, I have collected some data on the different types of dancers that inhabit a bar. And the data is compelling.

1) The “You Got Served” Dancer

These people are by in large, my most favorite dancers at the bar. These “dancers” are so wildly diluted of their dancing prowess that it borders on criminal. Imagine a world where everyone was allowed to do what they believed they were good at. A good example of this is the toothless hillbilly who doesn’t know a goddamn thing about politics but could “definitely run this country better than Obama.” Well, the dance floor is where that world is realized. And when that world is realized, even on a small scale, you are able to see clearly, just how shitty that world would be. It’s fucking chaos.

It’s wildly difficult to describe just how amazing this story was, but I’ll do my best and try to illustrate with some video evidence. To truly comprehend the intricacies and nuances of the spectacle that occurred, you kind of had to be there, but I’ll do my best.

Break dancingI’ll assure you that there was none of this

I was standing around in the back, when about 20 feet away from me, a huge circle formed and almost everyone in the back started looking that way. Once I snapped out of my haze, I made a quick run to see what I thought was going to be a massive fight. Oh no, it was the much revered public dance battle. It was exactly like “You Got Served” except all the characters were drunk, the dancing was horrible, and the stakes were “respect from a bunch of super drunk, seemingly epileptic brozillas.” What I found to be most curious about this public display of bromosexuality, aside from the complete absence of girls, was that NO winner was decided. They all danced like a bunch of orangutans that had just dropped a few ecstasy pills, and then just walked away.

Tennis playerSide note: Don’t do Crystal Meth, unless of course you want to win a bunch of tennis championships.

Unfortunately, these people fall victim to their own subjective perception in the end. Here’s a video of how it looked, and how they thought it looked.

What they saw:

What everyone else saw:

2) The Swing Dancer

These people are extra annoying because they unfortunately think they are awesome dancers, and take up a significant amount of dance-floor real estate. If you aren’t familiar with swing dancing, fuck you. To me, it’s kind of a silly thing anyway, and it seems like a great way to sweat your balls off on an already sketchy-with-body-fluids dance floor. So that’s the worst thing about them. The best thing however, has to do with perspective. Luckily these people think that they are so amazing, that they never stop, even when they make a mistake.

ball dancingThis is, for once, a very accurate picture

Long story short, I watched a couple do this irritating mating dance for no shit, like an hour straight. The girl was in heels though, so she fell numerous times, and busted her shit up. The last fall was fairly satisfying. She ate shit, and from what I could tell, actually hit her lips on the dance floor. If it were me, I would go right to the doctor’s office and get my lips surgically removed.

3) The Inconsiderate Dancer

I had two separate categories, but I figured the “I’m going to fuck you into next Wednesday” dancer, and of course, the “I totally don’t give a shit about your personal space” dancer were one in the same. To say these people make me want to smash heads up against the bar is an understatement. Look, I know that the dance floor is packed, but be considerate enough to not dance six inches away from me. It makes me wildly uncomfortable and makes me look for a reason to kick you out of the bar. I don’t want to be unfair or absurd. All I am saying is that these people should be shot and killed immediately.

guys dancing together“If you keep dancing near me, I’m going to have to make you dead.”

In summary, I honestly don’t have a ton of advice for these people. I’d say, “Well, if you suck worse at dancing than M. Night Shyamalan does at making movies, then please, for the love of fuck, stop.” Unfortunately, whether or not someone blows at dancing is somewhat subjective, and no one is ever really going to call themselves out for sucking. So, it’s up to you friends, relatives, and co-workers to tell these people that if they don’t stop dancing, then you are going to murder their pets.

puppy“One more ‘Cupid Shuffle’ step, and the puppy gets it.”

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The author Kathrina

Kathrina is an enthusiast of all-things college lifestyle. She's the expert!

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