Sage Advice from a College Town Bouncer: The Tramp


college town bouncer

Before all of you girls start having your periods and freak out that I spend all of my time in these articles judging and nitpicking the female sex; please take note that I am not using it as an exclusive term for girls. “Tramp” encompasses men and women alike. The only difference is the success rate of girls picking up dudes is much greater than dudes picking up girls. That’s just science. Imagine a guy and a girl are both shooting at a target; the guy has a pistol, and the girl has a shotgun loaded with birdshot. The female’s chances of hitting the target (i.e. getting slammed) are orders of magnitude better than the male’s.

guy alonePictured: 9.5 out of 10 guys after a night at the bar.

Males are opportunistic creatures. They always want to have sex. It’s all goes back to our hunter-gatherer instinct. Men are intrinsically motivated to hunt for the hottest girl at the bar, and then gather her vagina. Again, it’s science. Men cannot be blamed for this genetic predisposition. There is obviously a double-standard as far as engaging in sexy times for males and females. Unfortunately, that’s just how it is. Girls, you can get laid virtually whenever you want to, and men, we get to be president.

Dudes, no matter how good-looking, still (usually) have to dance for their dinner when it comes to making the sex with girls. Conversely, all girls have to do is look at a guy with a “Hey, I love chugging boners, so, you know, let me chug your boner” twinkle in her eye, and usually the deal is sealed.

fabioDon’t let the long hair fool you, fellas!

Not only is it difficult to start a conversation with a beautiful girl, but you usually have to run interference with her sloppy, undesirable, shell of a human being, cock-blocking friend. Side note: cock-blocking. What is the goal here? I’ll never understand why I see girls dragging their friends by the hair out of a bar, away from a dude they clearly want to bang. As far as I am concerned (and maybe it’s just being a dude), I’d let my friend fuck a hobo in a dumpster, or a meth-head in an abandoned warehouse if that’s what they said they wanted.

A few weeks ago I was standing by the entrance to the bar, when I was witness to one of the greatest and most devastating cockblocks of the century. A seemingly normal group of three, one normal dude, one normal girl (holding hands with aforementioned dude), and one untamable shrew were making their way to the door.

Leaving the bar holding hands with a stranger has some underlying connotations for all involved. The guy thinks “this girl is totally about to board a first class flight to Pleasuretown, with layovers in Ecstasyland and Orgasmville.” The girl (9 times out of 10) thinks “I guess I’ll settle, and let this douche writhe and slobber all over me tonight.” But the shrew says to herself “I am going to let this guy think he is coming home with us until the last possible second. Then I am going to pull some bullshit reason out of my ass as to why he shouldn’t.”

shrewI snapped a picture of her with my phone

So, as they neared the threshold (pun intended), shrew whipped around and started yelling that there wasn’t enough room in the car for him. The horny girl argued with her stupid friend for some time before blatantly blurting out “Look, I want to fuck this guy tonight, so stop.” Alas, it was to no avail. The girl overpowered and dragged her poor friend out, as the guy stood there, defeated and alone with a look on his face like he just watched his dog get run over by a cement mixing truck. As he stood there, he turned to me, and all I could muster was “Wow. That sucks. You were totally going to get laid. Sorry, pal.” All I am saying is cock-blockers should respect the amount of work it takes to get a girl to agree to come home. It’s like watching a child spend hours building a sandcastle, and right before he plants his flag at the top to claim it, you run up and stomp the beejesus out of it.

Guys can be “tramps”, but the fact of the matter is the only groups of people who think that is a bad thing are girls and religious people. Frankly, if you can spit a ton of game and get laid on a regular basis, I feel like God would be high-fiving you on such a grand and difficult accomplishment. Who knows why there is a double-standard, but my theory is based on difficulty level.

Think of it like this: if you beat Call of Duty on easy mode, everyone calls you a pussy for beating in on a difficulty level that an autistic sloth could have done it on. Conversely, when you beat it on the expert level, everyone starts patting you on the back (well, probably not girls). Same goes for hooking up at the bar, except females are always playing on easy mode, and guys are always playing on hard mode. It’s a twisted world we live in, but life’s tough, get a fucking helmet.

boy meets worldPreach it, Eric Matthews

My advice to guys is keep on keepin’ on. The fact is that if you get laid a lot, and don’t have an STD, then fuck it. My reasoning is that when and if I ever met a girl who didn’t want to be with me based on the amount of girls I have been with in the past, she’s probably not worth my time. I don’t have any problem being honest (anymore) because it’s the past for a reason.

Girls, it’s unfortunate, but you are forever in the precarious position where you may want to have sex just as much as guys, but society dictates that you can’t hand out your ‘services’ to any person you find attractive.

south park paris hiltonA whore, in cartoon-form

It’s a funny thing, because in a bar, looks can be obscenely deceiving. I have seen girls who are dressed like such skanks that all was missing was a pair of kneepads, and some glasses to shield her eyes from the inevitable rainstorm of semen that will inevitably splat on her later in the night. The fucked up thing is  those girls are normally the ones who don’t leave with guys, and do that annoying thing where they get pissed off when dudes stare at their boobs when they are clearly on display. Newsflash girls: if you wear shirts with cleavage, dudes are going to stare.

On the other hand, I have seen girls dressed very conservatively make out with not one, but three different guys in one night. That’s a true story. I one time had to pull a girl, who was dressed like a normal human being, out of the unisex bathroom because she was with a guy in there. I assumed that he was her boyfriend. Oh no. About 20 minutes later I saw the same girl making out with a different guy on the dance floor. Then, when the bar was closing, I saw her leave holding hands with a completely different guy. All I am saying is if you don’t want to be seen as the dirtiest prostitute east of the Mississippi, sow your seeds at the bar. Pick one guy and go from there. If you can’t score at one bar, at least have the decency to move to the next bar.

amish chic“Yes, I churn butter in between all the handjobs”

Advice to girls is the same as with guys; bang whoever you want, and if a guy has a problem with your number, move along. Fair warning though, you are going to encounter a lot more guys that have a problem with your number than girls that have problems with guys numbers. One thing though, if you bang a guy and then want to date his friend, don’t plan on it ending in fairytale fashion. I only say this because guys are wired to brag about their conquests, especially sexually; so if you bang someone and then want to date his friend, most of the time the guy who you want to date will not find it pleasant to date you (a stranger, really) and get made fun of more than that dude who you found out owned a Fleshlight.

I am pro-bar hookups, as any red-blooded American should be. Guys, keep working hard, and girls, try not to look like a dumpsite, and you will more than likely have a ‘getting-laid’ average of nearly 100 percent.


Tags : college drinkingcollege town bouncerHooking Uptramps