By: Nathan DeGraaf
Nathan: I would have let you guys crash on my bed, but I fucked on it two days ago and I haven’t washed the sheets yet. So you got the couches.
Ben: When was the last time you fucked on the couches?
Nathan: Two or three months ago.
Ben: Yeah. I like those odds much better.
If you’re like me, you probably drink too much and have a seriously dry scalp (flaky bastard). Also, you probably like sleeping with random girls in a way that yields little to no complications and requires even less effort. Well, the secret to simple sex used to be safe with me, but I figured, you know, since we bothered to create this website, I might as well bust out a step-by-step solution for getting laid easily.
We all know by now that I am here to help. No need to thank me, guys.
Step 1: Arrive to the Club, Bar or Party Late
Now, this is the hardest step for me lately, mainly because I have a nine-to-five job and can’t stay out as late as I used to, but it’s crucial to culminating the one night stand. The first time a girl sees you has a serious impact on what she thinks about you. So, if she happens to have been drinking a few hours before she sees you, odds are that you will look better than you really do. The only thing better than a good first impression, is the good first impression a drunk, horny bitch has of you, so don’t rush out to get wasted.
If you don’t have to wake up early, this step should be easily achieved. Of course, you still have to pick out your slut, and that is slightly more difficult.
Step 2: Pick Out Your Slut
The other day, while walking with a buddy of mine and his girlfriend, I eyed a smoking hot, big-tittied chick in a ripped AC/DC shirt and an old denim mini-skirt. My buddy saw me eye this chick and said, “Yup, that’s a Nate girl, right there. Classless and slutty.” And he has a point, but here’s mine: for one night stand purposes, you want to find the slutty, classless bitch.
Now, here are some signs you found a slutty, classless bitch:
– She has paid very little attention to being fashionable, yet she still looks like a whore.
– She smokes. A lot. This is crucial because women who smoke cigarettes usually aren’t too indiscriminate about what else they put in their mouths.
– She looks drunk.
– She fidgets her eyes throughout the crowd of people, looking for the guy who meets her exceptionally low standards and may also have her drug of choice.
– After you pinned down your slut, you now are obligated to go talk to her.
Step 3: Go Talk to Her
Don’t be a pussy, dude. Just fucking talk to her. You have nothing to lose and you may learn a word or two. Give it a shot.
After you have engaged conversation, look for the following signs: any grabbing, touching, excessive laughing at your jokes, or any remark that can be construed as positive regarding your appearance and personality. Make sure she has some interest in you before you waste any time learning about her.
Check back with us on Wednesday for the remaining four steps in the quest for the one night stand.
In the meantime, you can read more of Nathan’s candid sexual advice columns at Points in Case.