If you’re a college student who’s having trouble getting laid, whether that be for the first time ever, first time this month, or first time today, don’t forget you don’t need anyone but yourself and some AA batteries to have a good time. Sex stores have everything you could need if you’re on a 6-month (okay, 10-month) dry streak.
So if you’re celibate after that one night stand gave you crabs, or just think your girlfriend might be dating her softball coach, don’t feel obligated to always ask someone else to join you.
There’s plenty of options out there for when you’re feeling lonely and want some company that doesn’t talk back or cry after sex. It just depends on what part of the kink-o-meter you’re on and how far you will go.
Because sometimes, three’s company, two can be a frickin snooze-fest complete with a fake orgasm, and one is all you need to get by.
Vibrators
God gave us the Sun and the Moon and the smartest man on the planet gave us vibrators. If you’re a girl who likes sex, (and yes boys, women do like sex, just as much as you do) but you’re not currently in a relationship and don’t want to up your number anymore, a vibrator for the time-being can be your new boyfriend. There’s plenty of varieties, so you can choose the one that suits you best or the one that intimidates you the least. Some do more than just vibrate and can also swivel around, and some even have a special clitoral stimulation attachment (like the Rabbit).
If you’re afraid of buying a vibrator or what your ex would think if he saw you had one, then you need to man-up and grow some balls. Men for some reason are allowed to talk about jerking it, awkward boners, and how their morning wood lasted for an hour, but we are supposed to act like we couldn’t possibly touch ourselves! It’s 2011, the gig is up. So let’s just all be happy and buy one with different speeds…and better yet, one that’s waterproof!
Vibrating Life-Like Female Parts
At sex stores today, you can actually buy your favorite porn star’s vagina. Or a realistic life-like mold of it complete with a hole you can stick your junk into! Oh, isn’t America fan-frickin-tastic? Clearly, nothing is sacred anymore and showing their tits and ass and holes on screen for millions to see wasn’t enough, they had to actually sell their vagina in stores. With promises to be life-like and feel just like a real vagina, I have a feeling it’s going to take a bottle of Jack and a dark room to forget you are actually “having sex” with a weird, fleshy, fake pussy. So if you have money, and probably no hope of ever having a real girlfriend, this one’s for you!
Dildo Machines
These babies are hardcore, and so are the ladies or men who use them. The apparatus looks like a long pole with a dildo attached to the end that is machine operated so it can move up and down, side to side, or fast or slow. A machine you can plug-in and have sex with is not for the faint of heart and is for kinky freaks only. Because if your Mom or your roommate accidentally walks in on you, they won’t be able to look at you the same. It’s not just some little vibrator they caught you with, it’s a frickin expensive machine that comes with as many instructions to put together as IKEA furniture. The website for these machines says it will give girls multiple orgasms, so just make sure you don’t “cum” to rely on it. You don’t want to be sneaking sessions with your hardcore dildo machine before your date shows up.
